Quotes That I Have Recently Discovered That Speak to Me

–Neal Lemery

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.”

–Amelia Earhart

“You are not your mistakes. They are what you did, not who you are.”

–Lisa Lieberman Wang

“Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you, to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.”

–Bright Vibes

“For poems are not words, after all, but fires for the cold, ropes let down for the lost, something as necessary as bread in the pockets of the hungry.”

–Mary Oliver

“Learn to be silent. Let your quiet mind listen and absorb.”

–Pythagorus

“To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times what people need is not a brilliant mind that speaks but a special heart that listens.”

–Amazing (Facebook post 8/22)

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

–Rumi

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

–Tolstoy

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

–Margaret Mead

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”

–Albert Einstein

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

–George Bernard Shaw

“Change will not come if we wait for another person. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”

–Barack Obama

“The world we see today is the world we’ll see tomorrow if we fail to do something now to change the things we don’t like about it.”

–Mayor Deah

‘If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior as a reflection of the stater o relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.”

–Yogi Bhajan

“A child not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”

–African proverb

“But to rescue a soul is as close as anyone comes to God. Think of Noah lifting a small black bird from its nest. Think of Joseph raising a son that wasn’t his.”

—The Same City, Terrance Hayes

“I look at fatherhood not as biology, but as an emotional and spiritual mission.” –Neal Lemery

8/9/2022

Each of Us Can Be a Force for Change

by Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 8/3/2022)

We are in the midst of change. We’ve always been in transition, growing and evolving, but these times seem even more energized and challenging. Big challenges are all around us: the post-pandemic world, climate change, economic, social and political uncertainties. How many of us work and get an education, how we socialize, how we look at our world and our own expectations are in flux. How do we deal with all that?

I often don’t handle change well. I like stability, predictability, the certainty that the demands of tomorrow will be comfortingly just like the demands of yesterday and today. But that’s not realistic, and we are all compelled to adapt and move into uncharted and often uncomfortable new territory. I’ll resist that, and want to stay in my rut, the old patterns and ways of navigating through life as comfortable as a pair of broken in shoes.

Yet, I see that much does need to change. Like most of us, I’m conflicted, wanting some things to change, but then not wanting change. I struggle with that continuing conflict, that debate with myself about what needs to change and what we need to go back to. After some inner conflict and self-talk, I mostly resolve those internal conflicts with myself by being a champion and voice for real reform, a recommitment to finding solutions, and doing things differently.

“It can be tempting to focus on all that is not working – the challenges, hurdles, and injustices. Good times can feel fleeting, like momentary distractions from the real work of life, which is more struggle and heartbreak than satisfaction and happiness.” — Dan Rather

I’m dissatisfied in leaving the role of change maker, of rabble rouser, of being the dissenting voice that advocates new thinking, to the politicians, the theologians, and those who simply seem to be just wanting to make a lot of noise. All of us should take on that role, and raise the voice of the reformer, the change maker. As citizens, isn’t that our duty? If I don’t become the actor, the instigator, the loud voice, then don’t I lose the right to complain?

“Change will not come if we wait for another person. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” — Barack Obama.

My rant isn’t just about political reform, about rewriting public policy and revitalizing our institutions to be the change makers. The work, and arguably the most important work, lies within ourselves and in the relationships we build in our communities. The work is one on one, deeply personal, and demanding of our own energies and skills.

The changes you and I can make can start with a conversation at the post office, with the gas station attendant, with a small group activity where we are deep in a community-building event. It can be seeing a need in the community for something and then taking leadership to fill that need. There is so much talent and passion in our community and it often becomes unleashed by the work of a single person. Often, it’s not limited by money, but by our own willingness to step up and get something done.

The true power lies in the individual and the small group. “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.” —Margaret Mead.

Want to change things up? Want to make a difference? Want to revitalize your community? Then have those encounters at the post office, the grocery store, the community event. Gather a group for coffee and have those deep conversations, the ones where everyone walks away with a to do list and a motivation to make some changes. Ask the tough questions, and seek out the meaningful conversations. Organize, motivate, daydream. Learn the skills you need to work on solutions.

Educate yourself. Imagine what may seem is impossible and take on those first few tentative steps. Be persistent, stubborn, and focused. Be outspoken, and speak your truth. Surround yourself with like-minded people and be determined. Know that you are called to leadership, to be the instrument of real change.

You will make a difference. You will be the change you want to see in the world.

8/3/2022

Finding Determination in an Old Family Photo

by Neal Lemery

)(Published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 7/26/2022)

The old family picture showed up in my e-mail the other day, a discovery from a cousin. I could see the younger faces of my grandparents and an aunt, standing stiffly in front of a simple three room shack on the Canadian prairie.

It was the mid 1910s, the barren landscape being the beginnings of their wheat farm, the place where they raised their six children. The one room schoolhouse was a mile away, the boarding high school sixteen miles down a dirt road in the only town in the county.

Life looked hard there, the chickens and geese in the yard, their horse and mule at the ready for the day’s chores, the tar paper on the outside walls.

My parents and I visited there in the 1960s. Dad wanted to show us where he was born, where he grew up, before they moved to Oregon. The house was gone then, leaving only the foundation. And from that memory, I could see that the photo showed where my ancestors lived, struggling to build a life.

My grandmother’s dream was to send all her kids to college, which seemed so unattainable in the bleakness of the prairie, the struggles to plant and harvest their wheat.

Yet, she prevailed, later moving the family to a better farm near Salem, close to a number of colleges. She made sure the three daughters and the three sons finished high school and went on to college. The three sons and two of the daughters eventually earned graduate degrees, and the other daughter finished three years of college. Those remarkable achievements in the 1920s and 1930s became family mandates and principles, expectations ensuring later generations would strive to advance their lives. One should be purposeful and better the lives of the next generation. My dad, my aunts, and my uncles all became forces of determination, taking on the role of my grandmother, repeating her words for the next generation.

Empowering and educating women was more than a political topic in my family. There was no room for excuses for not being achievers, movers, and shakers.

In her last few years, Grandma would talk to me. I was just starting grade school. In spite of her stroke, she was adamant that education was important, that learning and bettering yourself was what we all needed to do. She made sure that I, the youngest grandchild, got the same directive as did everyone else in the family.

Those sun-burnt, dusty faces look at me from that old photo, reminding me of the family mandate, that determination and working through adversity was just what one did in the world, that life could be improved with some hard work and dedication. You took what you had, and you made life better.

I printed off that photo, put it in a frame, and found a place for it among the other family photos. I need a reminder that part of our lives come from the hard work and dreams of those who came before us, and that the things I can find in today’s world, situations I can easily whine and gripe about, aren’t as significant as what people just a hundred years ago endured and overcame. There’s gratitude and admiration, and inspiration, too in that photo. And, a reminder of Grandma’s directives to me, which I’ve carried on to many young people in my life.

Many of the dreams of those who came before us were realized through their blood, sweat, and tears. Life wasn’t easy, and comforts and advantages weren’t served on silver platters. Their dreams and ambitions often get lost in the hectic pace of today’s life. Yet, I need to be reminded of those dreams and those efforts to make lives better, to invest in our kids, and make a better world.

There’s a small piece of my grandmother in me, that determined, committed voice that instilled in me the need to better my life, to get an education, to move ahead in the world. When I get complacent, when I take our lives for granted, I need to stop and listen to my grandmother, and move ahead. When I see young people hard at work, getting an education, and working on their dreams, I can see my grandmother’s spirit at work, her stern words and waving finger urging us all to move ahead.

7/24/2022

Ranked Choice Voting: Is It In Our Future?

by Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 7/24/2022

Ranked choice voting (RCV) is the new popular trend in American politics these days. In August, Washington State primary voters will choose their candidates in their primary using this method. It is also now the method used statewide in Alaska and Maine. In November, Portland voters will decide if they want RCV to choose their city commissioners and mayor.

RCV eliminates the need for runoff elections, and also sometimes allows two candidates from the same party to move ahead to the general election. The process is based on the idea that the top candidates of all the voters should prevail.

As they mark their ballots, voters literally cast several votes for an office, marking their first and second choices, and sometimes up to five “rankings”.

“A ranked-choice voting system (RCV) is an electoral system in which voters rank candidates by preference on their ballots. If a candidate wins a majority of first-preference votes, he or she is declared the winner. If no candidate wins a majority of first-preference votes, the candidate with the fewest first-preference votes is eliminated. First-preference votes cast for the failed candidate are eliminated, lifting the second-preference choices indicated on those ballots. A new tally is conducted to determine whether any candidate has won a majority of the adjusted votes. The process is repeated until a candidate wins an outright majority.” https://ballotpedia.org/Ranked-choice_voting_(RCV)

This process is already in place or will be in the next year in ten states, in some federal, state, and local elections. This idea, and its many variations, are being widely discussed.

In Oregon, Benton County has adopted this for elections involving at least three candidates for county officers. (The Sheriff is exempt from this, per state law.) One of your choices can be a write-in candidate. The voters adopted this idea and amended the county home rule charter. Tillamook County is a “statutory” county and not a home rule county, and it is unclear whether the voters here could adopt such a system without the blessing of the Legislature.

In New York City, you can have five choices, in rank order.

In Alaska, this reform has eliminated partisan primary elections, and voters can choose among all the candidates. That state used the new system a few months ago for a special Congressional election with over fifty candidates, and election officials handled the new process with apparent ease. At least three states use this for presidential candidates.

RCV is also used by a number of universities and organizations for their election processes.

The arguments in favor include:

Determines the candidate with the strongest support
Encourages civil campaigning
Reduces wasted votes
Eliminates the need for multiple elections

And the arguments against it include:

It’s too complicated
The person with the most votes can lose
Your vote might not count if it’s “exhausted”
It violates “one person, one vote”

7/20/22

Taking Time to Grieve

by Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer 7/13/2022)

Life has a way of reminding us to take care of ourselves and to do what is important in our lives.

July seems to be a month of special events and celebrations. The reverberations of June graduations, and a catching up on birthdays, weddings and funerals has filled my calendar. Covid had slowed down and often stopped those familiar rituals and life events that really are essential to our community life and our emotional wellbeing. Now, we have social calendars again and I find myself busy with those special events, events I used to take for granted, or thought that they were old-fashioned, and could be forgotten.

This week, I went to a funeral of a good friend and colleague from work. Her funeral was delayed for a year, as she wanted people to gather to celebrate her life, and not to be overcome by mourning. Then, the pandemic delayed that event for another two years.

Part of me was thinking that having a funeral now was unnecessary. Enough time had gone by that we didn’t really need a funeral or even a gathering. We were “past all that” and had moved on. If my thinking was likened to a baseball game, I’d be batting a complete strikeout.

It was a serious and meaningful event, a military funeral at a national cemetery, complete with an honor guard, the firing of rifles, and the playing of “Taps”. The folding and presentation of the national flag to her daughter “on behalf of the President” and in recognition of her military service might seem a little dramatic, almost a cliche. But tears rolled down my cheeks. We each had one of her favorite roses, and we shared stories of her life and her many contributions and devotion to her family, friends, and community.

Grief poured out of me and tears fell, and I joined everyone else in the laughter and crying over wonderful stories, rich memories of a life well lived. No, it wasn’t “too late” to have a funeral, it wasn’t too late to gather to remember a good person and good times. We all cried, and we all healed. We continued our story telling over a late breakfast, her favorite meal, at one of her favorite restaurants. Good memories came to life and when I left, I knew that I’d been able to celebrate her life and to grieve her death, and do that essential work of the soul along with many friends and her family.

A number of years ago, I was asked to be part of a memorial for a friend who had passed nearly ten years earlier. Family and friends had struggled with this friend’s death, and many issues and emotions had become stuck, with no ceremony or gathering to release the complex array of feelings.

It has been said that grief is what happens when there’s no place for the love to go. I understand that wisdom a lot more these days, as I am learning that I need to take the time for self-care, for community care, and to fully and wholeheartedly allow myself to mourn, to grieve, and to release some of the challenging feelings and emotions that come when a loved one dies. In any relationship, there are thoughts unsaid, feelings unexpressed when someone dies, and what is left does need to go somewhere, needs to be said.

Often, I’m not sure what that is, what words there are to describe what lies deep in my heart. Time helps me understand what is buried deep inside, so that what needs to eventually come out and be spoken and released can find its way through the complicated jumble of emotions that are tied into the knots of grief and loss. Anger is certainly involved. There are other things, too, needing to be expressed by words we find difficult to find, let alone emerge from our throats in the midst of tears.

I do know that when I cry, that when I can allow myself to find release, and to say what is on my heart, then peace is close by. I become unstuck, able to find some liberation and comfort in the work of grieving well. Some would call that detoxifying yourself, a cleansing.

After that long delayed memorial service many years ago, a number of people were able to heal, able to move on and find some understanding, some reconciliation. I found I had some unresolved grief inside of me, too, and it was past time to let that go. The memory of the departed one became more inspiring, more comforting, and people became more accepting of her work in the community as a healer, a reconciler, and a person who could inspire fundamental change in people’s lives. There were many good stories told at that memorial, stories that had been locked up in grieving hearts, love that had no place to go for a while. There was a lot less self-judgment and self-blaming. Grieving well does that for each of us, and for the community.

Now, when I feel a need to go to a funeral, or to write some kind words of comfort to those experiencing loss and grief, I listen to that voice inside of me, knowing that taking that kind of affirmative action and work not only helps others and helps the community, but it helps me be a more caring and decent person, less burdened with love that has no place to go.

7/12/2022

The Bramblebush: A Look at the Law on Abortion

by Neal Lemery

(Published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 6/27/2022

In law school, there’s a famous, now century old, book about the study of legal reasoning and the study of law. The Bramblebush is a must read for law students, and digs into the why and how of how lawyers think and how to study and understand the law.

Law students learn the law and learn how to be lawyers by reading appellate court decisions. The professors don’t tell you what the law is, so you read all those cases and teach yourself what the legal principles are, and how to understand legal reasoning. In class, you are called upon to analyze the case and defend your own viewpoints of what the law is, and what it should be. The work of a law student, and lawyers, is to dig into the craft of asking questions and rationalizing your own viewpoints.

One of the basic principles of law is that courts should follow precedent, the wisdom of prior cases. Stare decisis says courts should be predictable and make decisions based upon the rules and decisions that have been made earlier. Don’t re-invent the wheel. Be consistent. And, if you think a different rule should be made, only do that when society has changed, and we have been better informed by the past.

“Hard cases make bad law” is a famous legal proverb, which says that tough, politically charged public policymaking isn’t very well suited for the courtroom, and legal analysis. Those decisions are often best left with politicians who are skilled at political give and take, compromise, deal making, and vote counting.

The basic guidance in the law is found in the federal and state constitutions, the various statutes that Congress and the state legislatures enact after often spirited debates, and the views of presidents, governors, and the bureaucrats they hire to administer all that public policy. Often, the rules and policies are in conflict. The disputes between differing policies and interpretations, and the contradictions, end up in the courts, so that judges can be the referees and make decisions when no one else wants the job.

The dynamics of abortion law is a reflection of how we can’t come to a collective consensus on an issue that is swirling with each of our moral, ethical, spiritual, medical, and other values and beliefs, as well as the life experiences of ourselves, family, and friends. When Roe v Wade was decided in 1973, the principal author took a deep dive into the complexities of both medical and legal precedents as well as society’s practices and beliefs at that time. His thoughts were also shaped by his prior experience of being the chief legal counsel for the Mayo Clinic.

Almost all hotly contested and emotionally charged Supreme Court decisions are the product of competing social values and legal principles. The legally and socially charged problems that no one else seems to have figured out arrive at the Supreme Court, and have the benefit of several years of hard-fought litigation and the refined arguments of highly skilled and experienced lawyers, experts in the workings of legal bramblebushes.

Often, the issues could be resolved if Congress or a state legislature took the bull by the horns and enacted clearly defined and decisive legislation. But, they often drop the ball, or write a law that contradicts itself, and is subject to a variety of interpretations. The result may “kick the can down the road”, but it doesn’t resolve the issue, and instead fuels more litigation, and passes the ball to the courts. Perhaps that is good politics, but it makes for scattered and often unsatisfactory appellate court decisions.

When I practiced law, and also sat on the bench, I often thought of the law as looking for certainty, a search for clarity. I wanted to “buy insurance” for my clients, seeking a guaranteed outcome. Good lawyers want to find certainty and clarity in the law, and to not get your client into the “bramblebush” of a complicated lawsuit that won’t necessarily give you an answer, but will guarantee you a lot of legal headaches and confusion.

The new abortion decision calls for lawyers and judges to now look at the Gordian Knot of abortion, privacy, personal choice, and society’s morality of human reproduction with new rules, and a new bramblebush of what is our public policy. And, how the law should write the rules on what is often framed as a personal medical decision founded upon a person’s rights to privacy. In the early years of our country, such questions weren’t matters for the government or the courts, but were in the hands of women. The government wasn’t involved. Times have changed, and we are now engaged in the continuation of debates on the roles of mothers, fathers, courts, doctors, legislatures, and others on this emotionally charged complexity of issues.

We are in the midst of the bramblebush, with an array of emotionally charged and complicated topics, issues, questions, and enigmas. There seems to be little spirit for compromise or even interest in appreciating a difference of opinion. Rather that providing an orderly framework for making societal decisions on this “hot topic”, the Supreme Court has stirred the pot, upset the apple cart, and seems to not be concerned about taking away an accepted matrix of finding solutions, boldly shunning the stare decisis principle. This new precedent, and its new matrixes of analysis, will come back to haunt the court, and stir up even more complicated lawsuits. Hard cases indeed make bad law.

Congress, which could provide some answers in enacting some national legislation, hides out and ducks the issues. Instead, we have new rules, new procedures, and new framework for judicial decision making on a complex, likely unsolvable public policy and moral dilemma. This issue just got even messier.

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”

6/27/2022

Learning From My Tomatoes

by Neal Lemery

(Published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 6/19/2022)

I’m always learning from my garden, even when I think I “know it all”, and expect that things will always go as planned, and that I’m old and wise, and there’s nothing left to learn.

Well, I’m old, but wisdom is often elusive, and there are always lessons to be learned. And, if I don’t think I need to learn, life comes along and ensures that I do my homework and pay attention to the lessons that I need to learn, and the simple lessons are often the most profound.

The recent cold and wet weather has taken its toll on me. It’s mid June and my flowers and vegetables are struggling to settle in and put on their usual burst of growth and productivity. Everything seems about a month behind, and I’m wondering if I’ll have any apples this year. I slog around the yard in my garden boots, listening to the squishiness of my footsteps. I watch the grass and weeds grow higher and higher, my efforts on the occasional dry hour not able to keep up with what a friend calls “lush growth”.

I’ve had some extra tomato plants occupying a corner of the greenhouse, with me not really having space for them in the still chilly and soggy garden, and not being willing to toss a perfectly good plant. They haven’t been looking good lately, pot bound, not being cared for regularly, and stuck in a rather dark corner. The shade cloth on the greenhouse was designed for sunnier days, and its presence has brought more doom and gloom to these poor plants, adding more darkness in addition to the gray clouds.

A friend recently expressed interest in needing more tomatoes, so I had some renewed focus in tomato growing. I repotted them, added fertilizer, and adjusted the shade cloth so more of the gray light of this odd June could help them revive. I even turned the greenhouse heater back on, and plugged in a heating mat, to drive away the chill of the weather.

Perhaps it is my imagination, but even a day of renewed warmth and light has revived them, and given them some hope.

I’ve applied that gardening lesson to myself, too. Yesterday, the sun came out for an afternoon. I decided I needed some repotting, sunshine, and fertilizer, too. I took myself to the beach. I began to notice the beauty of a summer day, my eyes squinting in the bright light, looking at flowers, trees, waterfalls, and the sparkly brightness of the ocean and the beach. Others were out too, exploring the beach, going fishing, or just walking around in the sunshine, like me. The air was fresh and warm and I got the blood circulating and the leg muscles stretched and worked out. I realized I was surrounded by beauty and serenity, and the miracles of what Nature can offer us.

Like the tomatoes, I felt my roots grow and my leaves reaching up for the warm sunshine of a summer’s day. The doldrums of yet another day of cool showers and gray skies was pushed away by that feel that we live in a beautiful place, and need to get out and soak up all the goodness and light of where we live.

6/17/22

My Ten Minute Rule

by Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 5/27/2022

I try to live an organized, purposeful life, with some guiding principles and an action plan. My “to do” list should be close at hand, current and relevant. If I don’t keep myself organized and on track, at the end of the day, I feel lost and useless, adrift on my own sea of inaction and idleness.

We can easily get overwhelmed with too much information and too many demands on our time and energy. Distractions are everywhere, and I can find myself in “response mode” with depression and anxiety closing in rather than “take action and get something done”.

I strive to be an instrument of change. If I get caught up into the “news” and become mesmerized with the crisis of the hour, I become merely reactive, and I don’t get anything meaningful done. I can’t change the news, but I can change how I respond to it. I can change my world, my culture. I can make a real difference.

Today’s Seth’s Blog offers some insight in how each of us can be an instrument, an advocate for true cultural changes and shifts. While there are many good things about our society, the “news” tries to focus me on what isn’t working, what is “bad”, what agitates and stirs me up to feel impotent and angry. I want to reject that attitude and instead focus on what positive actions I can take to move ahead in this world and help move the world a better place and me a better citizen and human being.

“The people in the news and at the podium get all the attention, but they’re a symptom, not usually a cause. Everyday people aren’t the bottom, they are the roots, the foundation, the source of culture itself. We are the culture, and we change it or are changed by it.”

“From peer to peer

“Change happens horizontally. What do we expect from others? What do we talk about? Who do we emulate or follow or support? What becomes the regular kind?

“…

“But the people who are consistently and actively changing the culture are not easily distracted. One more small action, one more conversation, one more standard established.

“The internet would like us to focus on what happened five minutes ago. The culture understands that what happens in five years is what matters.

“Focused, persistent community action is how systems change. And systems concretize and enforce cultural norms.

“If you care, keep talking. Keep acting. Stay focused.” https://seths.blog

This week, I focused on self-care, and took myself to the “Mexican Modernists” exhibit at the Portland Art Museum. I’ve long been a fan of Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, their art, and their passion for social change and activism. Their art was a strong and effective voice for the working class, and for social change during and after the Mexican Revolution (1910-1920), which heralded economic and political reform. Those times offer us a striking parallel to current events.

These artists gave voice to revolutionary social and economic ideas, and sparked a cultural reformation that engaged a generation of reform and rich conversations about the future of Mexican culture. Their influence spilled over to the USA, with Rivera’s public murals in our cities instigating controversy and debate about the power of the elite, the attributes of American culture, and indigenous people.

Their art, their advocacy, and their willingness to speak out on issues is a mirror to our society’s issues today, and gives us some effective roadmaps on what we can do to examine and reform the current culture and political climate of our own times. Yes, artists not only give voice to our culture, but also direction on what we can do as individuals to make the needed changes and to increase our own awareness of what we need.

For myself, I have my “ten minute rule”. I can do most anything for ten minutes in the day. Why not take that little snippet of time, a mere ten minutes, and do something that supports change and growth. It may be some moments of personal reflection and writing, or music making. It may be a rich conversation with a friend, or writing a supportive note on a card and dropping it in the mail. It may be doing some gardening or art making. It may be showing up in the community and doing some volunteer task that makes life better for others. It doesn’t have to be splashy or exotic, but over time, every day, that work, that attention adds up and starts to make a significant difference in our world. Just ten minutes.

My only criteria is that the task needs to attend to a long term impact on something that’s important in our culture. “Just show up” is the guiding rule for this work. Every day, like the Chinese proverb about how a steady, seemingly insignificant drop of water erodes the boulder, over time.

I sometimes call this work my “guerrilla social activist” work, doing something behind the scenes, and making a difference, instigating change. (5/27/2022)

The Power of Collective Silence

by Neal Lemery

(Published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 5/24/22)

I found myself at a local café, having a late breakfast, with about a dozen other community members who had the same idea. At a nearby table, a family was enjoying themselves, highlighted by the smiles and laughter of their sweet six-month-old baby.

As babies are wont to do, laughter turned into cries and wails, filling the busy café with sounds of distress. Mom quickly responded by picking up the baby and cuddling it, as good parents do.

The man at the counter turned towards the family, a look of disgust and anger on his face.

“You need to take him outside and give him something to cry about. He needs a good spanking for acting that way,” he said, his booming voice reverberating throughout the room.

In an instant, the room fell into a deep and pregnant silence. Every eye turned towards the angry man, every face stony and silent. Nothing was said, the only sound now the quiet murmurs of the now-again content baby.

My mind whirled, part of me wanting to stand up and give the man a piece of my mind, the idiocy of violence, the long-lasting impact of what we euphemistically call “corporal punishment,” and the rudeness of strangers interjecting their values on a young family who were simply out for a good time with their child.

Slapping, spanking, the mentality of “giving you something to cry about”, pushed a lot of my emotional buttons, bringing back bad memories in my own life, both personal and professional. I well knew the impact of that kind of thinking on family members and friends, and how those traumatic experiences often profoundly impact us for the rest of our lives.

No one said a word, even the cook stopping her work at the stove, as we all glared at the man, until he finally turned back in his seat and took a sip of his coffee. A long minute passed, until the baby laughed a little and we all resumed our lives, until we all realized something important was being said in the silence.

It was a good minute, a minute of both rebuke for a really bad idea and a time to reflect on how we should deal with kids, what they need from the rest of us.

It gave me pause to reflect on whether I should have launched into my lecture to the man about the evils of violence and the messages that sends to kids. The silence gave me time to again realize that my well-rehearsed rant on using violence and anger to raise a child would have likely fallen on deaf ears, that the man wouldn’t be changing his thinking because of what I was going to tell him. I was reminded of the power of collective silence, and I felt that power reverberate through the café.

If he was going to change his thinking, that would come at a different time, in a different place, when he was ready to really hear what he had said, and how he looks at the world, and how he learns about his community’s values.

Instead, the community at that café spoke a bigger message, in that big, beautiful collective silence of disapproval and disgust. Mere words wouldn’t have been nearly as effective as our group effort to turn our heads towards the man, and simply be silent.

Conversations resumed, and the man kept being ignored. The waitress didn’t refill his coffee, and slapped down his check beside his empty cup. He left his money and slipped out the door, not daring to utter another word.

I often overestimate the value of a well-turned phrase, or what I might think is a polished, professional writing on a particular issue. Sometimes, it is in the silence that we truly hear the words of wisdom, the message we want to send, the message we need to hear.

5/24/22

Free: Two Years, Six Lives, and the Long Journey Home, by Lauren Kessler. A Book Review

Free: Two Years, Six Lives, and the Long Journey Home, by Lauren Kessler

Reviewed by Neal Lemery, author of Mentoring Boys to Men: Climbing Their Own Mountains

“We want those to have done harm to us to suffer, to pay for what they did. But in making them suffer, we create the kind of human beings we do not want back in our communities.”

This engaging book takes makes us uncomfortable and asks us deep and provocative questions about America’s criminal justice system, and how we look at justice and rehabilitation, revenge and compassion. Kessler takes a deep dive into the lives of prison inmates and their efforts to emerge from prison life with a sense of purpose and hope, and be able to move on with their lives, and become productive members of society.

As a teacher in prison writing groups, she engages in deep conversations of the lives of some of America’s prison population, pointing out that 95% of all prisoners regain their freedom and attempt to reintegrate into mainstream American society. America has one of the world’s highest rates of incarceration, with 2.3 million Americans in prison or on parole. With 5% of the world’s population, we house 25% of the world’s prisoners. Our incarceration rate has increased 225% since the 1970s, far exceeding any changes in the crime rate.

The failure rate of parole is complex, with many parole violations being technical in nature, rather than the commission of new crimes. “Many failed not because they continued to live a life of crime, but rather because the road to reentry was – is – steep and rocky, full of potholes, a winding path with unmarked detours.”

This engaging, and well-written and often disturbing book tells the stories of some of her writers’ lives, their own devastating and traumatic childhoods, upbringings, adolescence and young adult lives. Each chapter takes us deeper into their lives, their struggles, and the institutional barriers and disrespect for their own needs and efforts to grow, recover, and move on into productive lives. The reader is challenged with uncomfortable and tragic stories, yet inspired by the bravery of those who share their stories with Kessler. The stories are told with a mixture of hope and the bitter truth of the failure of our criminal justice system to offer meaningful rehabilitation and reformation of lives shattered by abuse, addiction, neglect, and violence.

As a volunteer mentor for prisoners, I have heard these stories, and gotten to know and appreciate the tragic histories and the struggle to change lives and move on, as well as the indifference and ineffectiveness of the system. For those of us who work for change in the System, this is a work that has long been needed, as it gives voice to those who have not been heard. This book not only compiles the grim realities of a broken system, it offers insight into what works and what needs to change, giving the reader a comprehensive perspective. The stories are also full of hope, personal achievements, and the efforts of effective programs and dedicated volunteers who are making a difference and offer effective progressive ideas that are making a positive difference.

Free is a groundbreaking, well-crafted work, offering solid information and analysis and also personal stories of courage, determination, and personal insight into some of America’s most challenging social and political issues. It is a call to action, and a beacon of hope for true understanding and action for much of what needs to change in American society.

It is both an uncomfortable yet affirming read, written by a skilled author whose talented storytelling both informs and motivates the reader to deeply understand the system and the lives of the often forgotten. Kessler not only tells important stories, she shows us the way to truly make the changes that are needed, work that will truly make all of us free of the fear and brokenness of the criminal justice system.