Grieving For My Sister In Law


Last week, my sister in law died. I have found abundant tears, yet fewer words, to sort that news out, to find my way through the wilderness of grief and loss. I am lost in my loss.

Pancreatic cancer is an evil thing. It has moved swiftly into my life, at many times, taking good people, long before I would even begin to contemplate that their time had come to leave us. Pancreatic cancer is on my short list of things to loathe.

When I heard the sad news, weeks, yes months before I expected it, a Christmas letter from a good friend had just arrived. The letter started off with a quote:

“What is the sum total of a man’s life? I knew the answer, and it wasn’t complicated. At the bottom of the ninth, you count up the people you love, both friends and family, and you add their names to the fine places you’ve been and the good things you’ve done, and you have it.”
—-James Lee Burke, Light of the World.

Each day is a gift, and each moment is precious. We need to make the most of our lives, and to do what is right, and to bring joy into the world, for ourselves and for others. And, I am too often rudely reminded that life is short, and should be cherished, in every moment.

My sister in law’s life was rich in family and friends. She sought joy every day, joy in the simple things, the quiet moments. I suspect she treasured the sunrise, and the moments with my brother, doing simple things, ordinary. Yet, in their simplicity and plainness, there was sacred beauty and peace.

She enjoyed rich, strong coffee. She baked miraculous biscotti to go along with it, as well as a variety of homemade pastas and bread.

I have been blessed to have her in my life. We were buddies, friends. We laughed, we shared jokes and stories.

One summer’s day, we conspired against my brother to wash his pickup. We tricked him into driving it onto the lawn, and we scampered like mischevious children, armed with hoses and sponges, even getting into a water fight with my brother. He resisted, but ended up laughing, soaking wet. His pickup was clean.

She retired last summer, and they took a long trip to Italy, her parents’ homeland. I trust they found long warm afternoons to drink wine and sample great food. They bought a new house, and were settling in to a new, relaxing life when she fell ill. And, all too quickly, she left us.

My life is poorer now, with her gone. But, in many ways, she is still here, in my heart. She has enriched my life and brought joy to me. For all of that, I am grateful for the all too brief time we had together.

Again, I am reminded of the shortness of life, and the sweetness of life. All we really have is this moment, and we should enjoy it.

—Neal Lemery 12/9/2014

One Month, and a Novel Comes


10346458_1501761750086364_3550516938767064922_nWhat is it like to write a novel, and accomplish that task in a month?

I’d never thought I’d experience this, to tell a very long story, and get it down, in some fashion and in some sort of order. All within a month.

I’m much more of a non fiction kind of writer—essays, poems, op ed pieces for the local paper. In my legal career, I kept in the non-fiction category, though the cynics among us might disagree about how to label what those lawyers write.

My creative non-fiction book, Mentoring Boys to Men: Climbing Their Own Mountains, is in copy editing at CreateSpace, and is going to be published in several weeks. That work took more than two years, though the times I was writing had a lot of interruptions. No real deadlines and pressure, unlike the idea of writing a complete book in a month. So, why put myself under this kind of pressure?

November is National Novel Writing Month, and there is an organization out there (http://nanowrimo.org ) that gathers people together, at least in cyberspace, to hunker down over their computers, or their papyrus and quill pens, and put together a rough draft in four short weeks.

I joined over 300,000 other writers, including 80,000 students and educators, all with the goal of putting down 50,000 words, creating a book. Well, at least a rough draft.

That’s 1,600 plus words a day, on average, assuming you don’t take a day or two off, and that you write a couple of hours every day, plodding along, headed to 50,000 words.

The idea of writing a book, along with 300,000 other similarly obsessed writers, intrigued me.

I joined a regional group, over 50 people strong, for moral support. Our leader sent out regular e-mails, and even scheduled a weekly collective writing session at a coffee shop, hoping to inspire us and perhaps, guilt us into meeting our goal. I never made it to the coffee shop, seventy miles away, but I felt their collective spirit, their angst, and their drive. We were family, fellow missionaries.

After a day’s writing, you can post your word count to the website, getting feedback on where you are at, as far as the number of words go, and how much closer you are to the 50,000 word goal. The 50,000 words was formidable, and I preferred to concentrate on the daily goal, of 1,600 words.

I started with a character, a setting, and a general idea of the journey that I wanted my character to travel. I had a good list of the supporting cast, and a number of stories to tell, stories that would move my character along in his life, and his journey for self understanding and real change.

I even wrote out a page of sentence fragments and words, which sort of plotted out the journey. It was less than an outline, and more than a short description of the book. Authorities in the know would label it a synopsis, which sounds impressive, like I really knew what I was doing.

When November 1 dawned, I sat down in front of my laptop, and invited the Muse to sit with me, as I started out. Like a weaver, it took a while to set up the framework, and fill up the shuttles, beginning the weaving process, and actually making some whole cloth. At the end of a few hours, there was actually something there, a bit of a story, and more than the bare skeleton of my character. I felt good, even satisfied.

“I’ve started,” I bragged to myself, and to my wife, who was an early cheerleader to my efforts.

But, then there was that next day, and the next, thirty in all. The trail looked long and lonely. So, I only worried about this day, and getting something done every day.

The daily word count wasn’t impossible, and it was large enough that I had to do some serious writing and move the plot along, every day.

When my wife had surgery, I lost a few days. Waiting in hospitals is not conducive to the Muse, even though you have plenty of time to do nothing, nothing but wait. My attention span withered.

Yet, the first full day my patient and I were back home, the Muse awakened, and I churned out 5,000 words in a day. I guess I had been thinking about the character, and the plot, and had some ideas of where it was all going. The Muse is persistent.

It has helped that my character is probably certifiably crazy, and so is the antagonist. And, over thirty years of experience dealing with folks who are mentally ill, emotionally abused, and incarcerated gave me a large cast of characters and a plush library of stories to tell.

The day before Thanksgiving, it was time to write the climactic chapter, and to bring a lot of the things I’d been developing to a rich froth. It was time to let my character find his freedom and achieve his destiny. My scratched out laundry list of the chapter’s frenzy laid there, next to my coffee mug, and I wrote, and then wrote some more.

The final product went a slightly different route, but then, the good chapters do that. My character has a will of his own, and I needed to listen to where he wanted to go in the telling of his story.

My fingers smoked, or so it seemed, and at last, I was drained. The coffee was long gone, and I needed a martini.

The next day was Thanksgiving, and giving thanks for being at 46,000 words and having the end in sight was my offering at the family table for our annual tradition of giving thanks.

I needed a day off, a day of family and eating and being lazy, to recover from all of that angst, and then, on to the last chapter.

My writing is chronological, orderly. But, that last chapter, I wrote it backwards. I had awakened with the final paragraph already drafted by my subconscious.

Fortified by coffee, I typed that last paragraph, starting with the last sentence. Then, the paragraph before it, and then the one before that. After an hour, the last chapter was written. My lawyer mind screamed in agony.

This is not the right way.

But, it was. It worked. It flowed. It made sense. The last chapter wrapped up all the loose ends, well, except for one or two, but then, that’s the fun of writing. You need to not answer all the readers’ questions, though you can figure out that the remaining questions will get resolved, and in a good way.

There was another chapter that needed writing, and that came out onto the computer screen, too. It would fit in nicely just before the climactic chapter.

And, it was done. The first draft. It is a draft, a work in progress. But, the meat and bones are there.

Then, time for some computer work, putting all of my chapters, my daily writes, into a giant file. I’d been keeping track of the word count all month, but when I had everything all in one place, I realized my count was wrong, by about 10,000 words. 10,000 in my favor, though. I’d actually written 60,000 words! Yikes!

With excitement, I went to the NaNoWriMo website, and updated my word count. And, then, I pasted and copied all of my month’s writing into the “word count validator”. Its job is to count all the words, again, and give me an official word count.

Yes, 60,000. Well, 60,650 to be exact. I wanted to be exact. Every word counts, and every word took a bit of my energies this month.

The screen flashed that I’m a winner. I can order the winner’s T shirt, and put the “winner” NaNoWriMo logo on my blog.

I’d also been eying some rather cool writing software, that several writers had recommended. I’d checked it out and it looked very useful. The price was very reasonable, and, if I became a NaNoWriMo winner, I’d get it for fifty percent off.

Now, I have my new software, my new “winner” logo and I think I’ll order that T shirt, too.

But, most importantly, I have a new piece of work to reflect on, revise, and rewrite. It’s a good first draft, and I think it will evolve into a respectable story that needs to be told, out in the world. I’m going to publish it, and get it out there.

My second book. My first novel. All that sounds good. It’s been a good month.

—Neal Lemery 12/2/2014

A Month of Writing


National Novel Writing Month participant

National Novel Writing Month participant

Whew, it is quite the month, writing wise. Going over the first edit from my editor, for my upcoming book, Mentoring Boys to Men.

And, then, I jumped into the National Novel Writing Month project. The goal: bang out a rough draft of a book, at least 50,000 words, in the month of November.

That seemed, at first, formidable. It still does, but it is becoming doable. It has taken some organization, and the guts to just start out, getting some words down, and moving ahead. I follow my rough outline, but then, as the Muse inspires me, I start to really tell the story of my young man in prison, and his adventures, trying to find some sanity in his life.

It is going well. I remind myself that it is a draft, that I will revise it and probably rewrite a great deal of it. But, it is started, and it is moving ahead. Eight more days, and only 11,000 words to go. That means I’ve written 39,000.

I’m OK with that!

Talking about my book…..


“After years of working in law enforcement, I found that we always end up dealing with the same people over and over. The problem is that we dont take the time to engage in conversation with that person to find out where the source of the problem really comes from. The book was an eye opener for me and I think that more people in law enforcement should take the time to read it.
“I have found that author to be a great person for opening his heart and mind to these young men that see no future for themselves.
“Great job in mentoring and sharing your stories.”

–Alex Ramirez, Clark County (Washington) deputy sheriff, jail release program, talking about my forthcoming book, Mentoring Boys to Men: Climbing Their Own Mountains, to be published in December, 2014. http://facebook.com/NealCLemery

A Thought About Mentoring


“Teach them the quiet words of kindness, to live beyond themselves. Urge them toward excellence, drive them toward gentleness, pull them deep into yourself, pull them upward toward manhood, but softly like an angel arranging clouds. Let your spirit move through them softly.”
― Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides

When I mentor, I seek to listen, and to respect them, and honor their voices. Perhaps for the first time, they are listened to.

I’m being mentored, too.  I have sent my book manuscript to an editor and have begun the publication process at CreateSpace, at Amazon.  The kind folks there are gently guiding me through the process.  I hope to see the book out in the world at the end of December.  More updates to follow, on this new journey in life. Mentoring Boys to Men: Climbing Their Own Mountains will soon emerge from my cocoon!

The Beginning


Planting today, for the next two hundred years
redwoods, in a big circle, last spring’s cuttings from our first tree, now
today’s baby trees, barely a handspan high,
hands moving them into meadow dirt, next year turning into a bit of forest,
into a circle of young trees, reaching upward to the sun.

In years to come, we will sit here, sipping wine
noting the growth, encircled by ancient tree genes,
primordial shapes, afternoon light, timeless
circle of green against late summer sky.

Digging, shovel into sod, into the last of summer’s grass,
New rain coming now, time to dig and plant
before darkening gray clouds open, Fall moisture
turning summer dryness into redwood haven,
roots going deep, and out, coming home.

Wind picks up, and roots now covered,
everything ready for the coming rain,
my work here, done, for now,
making home for new trees, new forest,
for those to come, generations away,
summer evenings to savor.

Neal Lemery 9/30/2014

Fifteen Gratitudes


Fifteen Gratitudes

Several friends on Facebook have asked me to list three things I am grateful for, and to continue that for five days.

I’m a bit of a rebel, so I am not following that format, but still making my list of fifteen things I am grateful for:

Family. No, not the biological family, necessarily, but the people I am close to, those I feel a kinship with. They love me, without condition, but also with loving criticism and support. They speak up when they feel I need a lesson, or some encouragement, or need to, perhaps, change direction or reconsider my point of view.

Friends. Real friends. Friends who speak the truth, who are there for me and will sit with me, in silence, when times are hard. They are present in my life, and offer me unfiltered and true wisdom and fellowship.

Nature. A continual experience of beauty, simplicity, peace, and a constant reminder that I am part of the Universe, part of the cycle of life, part of a Plan that remains a mystery, but also a constancy in my life.

Growing older. I am continually reminded of the Cycle of Life, of seasons, of cycles and rhythms, and thus, a sense of order and place for myself in the Universe. “This too, shall pass” puts a lot of problems in perspective and helps me move on, not sweating the small stuff, and being able to handle the Big Stuff, as well. With age comes experience, and wisdom, as well as lessons that need to be relearned.

Community. In life, there are others there to help, to support me, to offer something as simple as friendship, a sense of place, a sense of belonging. I am part of a Greater Whole. And, in that, I have my own unique role to play. I am important, as well as being part of something bigger than myself.

A thirst for education. I am eager to learn, to take in new information, new ideas, new perspectives. In that, I grow, I expand my horizons, I gain a new perspective. In that, I give myself permission to discard old ideas, old viewpoints, and see the world as being in motion, being dynamic. When I learn, I change, and thus I find the change to not be so hard, because when I change, I grow.

Music. When I immerse myself in music, I find rhythm, cadence, and connection. I find voice, and I find ways to express myself, digging deep into emotions. Listening, playing, being caught up into the moment and the experience of music, I am connected, and I find a big part of myself. In that, I discover new ways of thinking, new approaches, and I grow.

Real, purposeful conversations. Real, honest, uninhibited conversations with others, exploring new ideas, learning of the experiences of others, and how they connect with the world, how they relate, and, in that, being challenged to look at my own ideas, my own experiences, my own purpose of being here. I often get this when I am mentoring young men, but I welcome such rich experiences anywhere, with anyone.

Getting out of my comfort zone. I find new energy when I move out of my easy chair, my usual way of looking at something, finding new ideas, and challenging the old ways. I don’t easily embrace change, but change makes me move on, makes me throw a few of my old ways, stale ideas, and old habits, out the window, making room for something new, and hopefully, something better.

Ancient ways. Be it the lighting of a candle on a dark evening, or telling stories around a campfire, or sharing the rhythm and fellowship of a drumming circle or a walk on the beach, or taking in a sunset, or kneading a loaf of bread, there is comfort and space to grow in doing something primeval, just like my ancestors did. I connect, and feel a peace, a comfort, away from the hectic craziness of modern society.

Art. Making art, experiencing art, letting those voices and those experiences spend time with my soul, letting that expression speak to me, and giving time to let that soak in, become part of my life, part of my experience. In that, I find peace and a sense of purpose that goes deep down into the core of my soul.

Sleep and rest. Quiet time. Time to muse, reflect, slip into my Dream World, putting aside hectic activity and just Be. Away from the distractions and noise of modern life, I connect to being truly human, truly a child of the Universe.

Modern communications, the Internet. Yes, it can be and is distracting, noisy, interrupting of old rhythms of the day, but this is also an incredible source of knowledge and education, and connecting with people, despite geography. This can be a curse, but it is also a blessing, and a great means of being connected with others.

The kindnesses of strangers. Every day, I have experiences where others are kind, generous, helpful, appreciative, supportive. I try to acknowledge that with them, and also with myself. I am grateful for such kindness, and I hope to believe that being kind of part of our humanity, and part of our culture.

Being able to recognize that I am grateful for so many things, that I can express my thankfulness, and to be appreciative, and that others value gratitude and believe kindness, thankfulness, and gratitude are essential, and deserve to be recognized, and celebrated.

8/28/2014

S’morefest


S’morefest

It didn’t seem like a big deal. Go to the store and bring the fixings for s’mores, enough for the guys at the prison camp, a couple of staff members, and me.

I was going to bring my guitar and sing some campfire songs, but time got away from me, the day turned hectic and I didn’t have time to go back home and get my guitar and songbook.

I shouldn’t have worried. The evening wasn’t about campfire songs and providing some entertainment. It was all about just getting together and doing something fun, about trying something new, and hanging out, just to hang out.

There were some nice coals and a bit of a flame going in the half barrel barbecue outside by the picnic table. Several young men laughingly grabbed my grocery bags out of my hands and began ripping open the bags of marshmallows, shoving them onto the willow roasting sticks.

My buddy, the staff member, was there, tending the fire, and teaching S’mores Making 101. He was the organizer of this festival, wanting to show these young men a bit about relaxing and having a good time, how to just hang out and be themselves.

Soon, a dozen sticks were thrust over the coals and the flames, and young faces focused on the miracle of marshmallows turning from white to toasty brown, and, sometimes, into small torches of sugary crunchy blackness.

Gooey marshmallows soon melted chocolate onto graham crackers, and were stuffed into eager young mouths. There was more laughter, young men slipping back into boyhood, with big smiles and eyes bright with the excitement of s’mores making. Some boys looked around, not quite sure what to do, how they should act.

After all, this wasn’t organized, like lining up for chow, or going to school, or even going out on the work crew, or off to wood shop or the garden. There weren’t any rules here, any protocol or prison regimen. The only expectation was to just hang out, have a good time, and roast a marshmallow on a willow stick.

“How do you do this?”

“I’ve never made s’mores before.”

“What do we do?” a young man asked, looking lost, unsettled.

I handed him a willow stick, and asked him to stick a fresh marshmallow on it.

“Here. Now hold it over the coals, and let it slowly turn brown.”

He looked at me, a bit puzzled.

“Really?”

“Yeah, then when it gets brown, we’ll take a graham cracker, and smash it all together, with a piece of chocolate. The marshmallow will melt the chocolate, and it will turn into a sweet, gooey mess. You’ll love it,” I said.

“I’ve never done this before,” he said.

“So, how’s your day been?” I asked, drawing him into some small talk. We were supposed to just hang out, after all, and just have a good time.

The tension in the group eased off a bit when the first s’mores were made, and popped into questioning, suspicious mouths.

“Oh, man. That’s good!” the guy first in line at the fire said, his words muffled by his first bite into his sweet chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker sandwich.

“Yeah, told you so,” a staff member said, chuckling at the sight of the first of the Doubting Thomases at the s’mores roast.

Some guys still hung out at the edge, not sure what to do, not sure of what was expected of them at this new event in their lives.

“What do we do now?” one guy asked me, a look of worry crossing his face, a bit of melted chocolate daubed on his chin.

“Just hang out, have a good time,” I said. “Just have fun.”

“Oh. Uh, OK,” he answered, hesitant, still a bit antsy about this new activity in his life.

“So, what are you working on in the wood shop?” I asked.

He eased up, and began describing his project, and how he’d figured out the design, and found the right kind of wood, how the teacher showed him a new way of joining the pieces together, so that his box would be stronger, and complement his design.

Other conversations filled the air, as the guys mingled with each other, and went back for seconds and thirds on their desserts. One guy talked about a camping trip he’d had when he was a kid. A few guys just shook their heads.

“Never did that,” one guys said. “But, I will. Some day.”

Other guys talked about the deer they saw the other day back behind the tree farm, and the eagles that would soar overhead some days, high above them as they worked in the trees, or mowed the lawn.

The last of the graham crackers and marshmallows soon disappeared, and the chocolate was ancient history. A few guys were browning up the remnants of marshmallows off of the willow sticks, playing in the last of the coals. They picked up the last of the night’s gooey mess from the sticks with sticky fingers, murmuring their contentment with tonight’s dessert.

The evening light began to fade a bit, and the young men began to wander back inside, getting ready for their showers and bed time. It was time for me to go, too, my mission accomplished.

“That was a blast,” one young man said to me, as he helped me clean up the wrappings and stack the willow sticks by the barbecue.

“I never knew what s’mores were,” he said. “And just hanging out, having a good time around the fire. That was really fun.”

“Can we do this again?”

8/17/2014