In the moment

the wave hits me, self-generated tsunami 

from deep in the gut, unplanned, unexpected

knocking me down, losing control —

A jumble of triggers, rages, furies, past

injustices and pains, my orderly day turned

upside down, inside out. I am

overwhelmed.

I rage, I fury, I rant, the sounds from my mouth, the stifled tears, only

a small fraction of the storm inside.

Boundary-less, unrestrained, I rage, my world almost black with occasional

lightning bolts of unrelenting storms, cyclones, a 

tornado of self, yet so disjointed from who I claim to be, who I 

aspire to be, a man in control, organized, systematic. But not

now.

Overcome by past habits, experiences, patterns, my

operating system gone awry, hacked into by my inner darkness, my 

shadow self.  My 

badness, my evil twin — let loose, unchained, unleashed, 

explosive, ungoverned, uncontrolled. 

Released, finally, I reboot, reset, calm down, take a 

breath, and begin

again to be my usual, expected, anticipated self, the man I 

choose to be, 

want to be, 

claim to be. 

Looking back, dissecting the tornado that has just passed, I see the 

grief, frustration, rage, anger, the lack of 

control, the absence of calm, of rationality, of my own 

expectations — a man in control, sensible, genuine, who I truly

want to be, who I expect to be, the need for boundaries, limits, the understanding

of where this tsunami came from, how I can 

defuse it, how I want to honestly

                                                               live.

                        –Neal Lemery 3/15/2021