Cleaning Out the Gunk

By Neal Lemery

(published 7/21/2024 in the Tillamook County Pioneer)

The little things in life often teach me the big lessons.

Yesterday’s weed eating project came to a halt as my usually trusty string trimmer decided to take a break. It was time to refresh the thick nylon cord, and I thought a fresh battery was needed. Still, it was a no go. My weed eater had gone on strike.

My project of thick grass and weeds in a long-neglected border was half done, and I wanted to be able to check it off the list before tonight’s long anticipated thunderstorm and, hopefully, rain.

My weed eater had other ideas, getting me to sit down in my comfy chair under the pergola, sip some lemonade, and do some mechanical problem solving. I delved into its mysterious interior workings, finding a half handful of long, wiry grass and the nefarious bindweed (so aptly named). It was the proverbial tangled mess, a metaphor of this busy, intense year.

I kept going deeper, into the very heart of the beast, and finding tightly wrapped coils of grass and stems, wound tight enough that my pocket knife had to enter the fray. Five, ten, then fifteen minutes of cutting and pulling and unwinding, and the inner shafts and gears were finally free. The green and brown gunk and braidings piled up on my lap, as I kept unraveling and cutting. How can such a small device contain so much trash?

At last, all the detritus was gone, and the machine was free. I carefully reassembled everything, even adding fresh tough nylon string. Putting a fresh battery in, I hit the switch, and the machine purred back to life, ready for a new go-around with my weed patch. Being less than mechanical, I experienced elation and self-satisfaction at my accomplishment. It actually worked, and I fixed it, I announced to the yard, its indifference echoing back to me in the silence. Oh, well. I still celebrated my own small accomplishment. I take my victories where I find them.

Getting the gunk out seems to be a great remedy when things aren’t going the way you want. Sometimes, you just need to sit down with a few tools and some time, take things apart, and do some necessary cleaning and re-organizing. Patience is part of that, something I need to practice and give space to as I go about my day.

This work often requires the right tool. My pocketknife was what I needed to fix the weed eater. Later on, a broken hose refused to come uncoupled with another hose, until I found my pipe wrench, applied some needed elbow grease, and twisted it all just right so that the broken hose was finally separated, and headed to the garbage. “Right tool, right job” is a good motto to keep in mind when dealing with things that don’t want to move, that get stuck on so tight that nothing will get fixed. Now, I’m wondering what other tools I can use to fix things on my “to do” list, solving not only the mechanical issues, but the human and social frustrations that need to be fixed.

I should add de-gunking to my daily to-do list. There’s last week’s coffee spill in the pickup, the chaos on the coffee table, the clutter of the glove box. Then, there’s the tool box in the shop. The list can get fairly long of things needing organized. There’s lots of things in life that are twisted, too tightly wound, and messy enough to grind things to a halt. Some time and patience, cleaning up, and decluttering breathe new life into ordinary things, making life simpler, and working again.

I should try this approach to my relationship with others, untwisting and cleaning up how I work with others, cutting away the knots and stuck debris, so that things work smoothly, wheels turn, and the work gets accomplished with a lot less frustration and difficulty. I need to take the time, and be willing to take things apart, do some unraveling, use the right tool, and put life in order.

7/21/24

My New Approach to Social Media

(Published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 9/6/2023)

by Neal Lemery

I’m tired of the bitterness and confrontational atmosphere of many social media posts, as well as how daily life is popularly reported in traditional media. It has become an environment of combat and derision, of snarkiness and often outright rude behavior, rather than informational, a building, a celebration of the best of us.

Being reactive, angry, frustrated, and generally being in a divisive, combative mindset hasn’t been very productive. A look at the headlines in the newspaper or taking in the evening news on TV seems to be proof of that approach. Many social media posts and many in the political sphere seem to take pride in their nastiness. Our society seems mired in bitterness, hatred, and animosity. We seem to be adrift, lacking a moral compass. To what end?

What is my role in all of this? I often feel pulled into the rancor, the fighting and the biting, sarcastic remarks and commentary. I need to think about how do I respond to social media, which seems to be taking an ever-larger role in how we interact with the world. How do I look at the world, its problems, how I deal with what lands on my plate? How do I navigate this world? What tools will give me the best viewpoint, the best, most effective analysis, so that I can find answers and move ahead?

Am I part of the problem, or am I part of the solution?

Finding consensus and building compassion hasn’t seemed to be the goal of the game of getting through life in 2023. The aim seems to be having the biggest body count in politics, applying the scorched earth mentality where the winner should be taking all, and to heck with the other side. And, aren’t there only two sides: us and them, the winners and the losers? We, the smart ones, and them, the ignorant ones who have been led astray, and likely without any redeeming value. “They” are easy to toss in the trash.

And, of course, the other side is evil, dangerous, not to be trusted, not to be loved or respected. Thoughtful analysis and learned discourse is for the weak. We must be strong, and, of course, always right. We wouldn’t want to wage war and then revise our thinking, based on someone else’s thoughts or different information. We tend to reach for the convenient labels, the quick and dirty terms for the “others”. The labels seem to stick, without regard for the complexity and depth of a genuinely held outlook on an issue. It all becomes so convenient, quick and dirty.

But, it’s not working. Degrading people and their point of view has never been a long term, workable answer to society’s problems and the search for useful answers.

I want to try out a different approach. I want to look at an issue, a discussion as an opportunity to look at how my response can be constructive, a building up, become an act of support and creating healthy solutions. Can I respond so that I am positive, a force for good change, to be a builder rather than a wrecking ball? Can I show that I am willing to learn, even change my opinion?

If I l look at a situation with this mindset, then I want to be a builder, a reformer, a force for doing something good. And, if I don’t feel I have the right tools, then isn’t my job to go out and find the tools that work, that build? Aren’t I tasked with resourcing the good ideas that are solution-oriented, constructive? Isn’t that part of the job description of a citizen?

If I let myself be pulled into the nastiness of some social media posts, I soon become the grumpy critic, the one who tears down and bashes, the naysayer. It is harder to be the builder, the positive analyzer who is looking for what works, what makes life better, the helper. That theme of the helper, the builder seems to be the bedrock of the major religious faiths and theologies in the world. Yet that viewpoint is now often swept into the background of a cultural desire to wage social war against the “non-believers” and “others”,and be a casualty of our cultural wars.

My new approach is to look at a social problem or an issue in our culture from the viewpoint of morality. I need to adopt a new outlook, and be positive. Is my approach based upon applying and advancing sound, thoughtful moral viewpoints and values? I like to think I am in favor of, and an advocate for respecting others, thoughtfully considering their viewpoints, and offering thoughtful conversation on the issues, looking toward dialogue, discussion, and mutual positive regard. That requires an open, inquisitive mind, a mind open to new ideas.

Does my thinking and action benefit me? Does it benefit the community? Does it advance the common good? Am I being respectful? Am I open to a challenge to my ideas and thinking, to the point of thoughtful consideration of other viewpoints, and, perhaps, even changing my mind and accepting a different viewpoint as well-reasoned and workable?

A friend recently offered me this challenge and analysis to what a person might say in a discussion or a post on social media. The famed author Ursula LeGuin had this posted on the wall above her desk:

Is it true?

Is it necessary or at least useful?

Is it compassionate, or at least unharmful?

I’m going to try to give this approach a genuine try. I’ll have to change some habits, and develop new mindsets as I go about my life, and compose my social media posts accordingly. I’ll have to look hard at how I talk with people, how I navigate through my life with my family, friends, and community. I’m an old dog and it will be hard to learn new tricks, and try a new, fresh approach. After all, shooting from the hip and being a little nasty and cranky with people is still the mainstay of our 2023 culture. Stepping out of the culture wars and trying something different will take some effort, but I’m ready for a change.

How can each of us do a better job, of being a positive force for change? Are we ready for that?

9/6/2023

Water Fills The Space It Finds Itself In

Water fills the space it finds itself in.

When I recently found myself in an uncomfortable situation where I felt attacked, I was, at first, drawn into anger, in many of the dimensions of that old and familiar emotion. Anger seems the first place I go, when a situation spins out of order and sense. My “buttons” get pushed and I am dragged off in the direction of my reptilian, crisis oriented brain.

The dark clouds of raw, untamed, uncivilized emotions and untempered responses obscure my usual cheery, gentile approach to the daily challenges of life. It is a quick journey to the Dark Side.

I want to just throw my thunderbolts, and shoot endless rounds of arrows into my foe, throwing my weight around and relentlessly wage my own private war.

Old fears show up, ghosts of anxieties past, spurred on by familiar inadequacies, the voices of old and powerful critics, and the scars of self doubts.

My rational, more civilized mind, just sits there, paralyzed by all the sabre rattling, until I can take some deep breaths. I’ll need to allow myself to listen to my frontal lobes, home of reason, logic, and good memories of my prior successes in peace making and problem solving.

Slowly, thoughts of how I am a good problem solver come to mind. I can entertain the idea that challenges in my life don’t need me inputting launch codes into my own arsenal of intercontinental ballistic missiles.

I am capable, I remind myself. And, my many talents at peace making and problem solving can be applied to the problem at hand.

I realize I haven’t faced this particular problem in the past, but I have worked through things and lived to tell the tale.

I just need to apply those hard-earned skills into this new challenge.

Filling the challenge with my own unique abilities is what is needed. I need to be adaptable, flexible, and, yes, methodical. The reptilian reaction of anger, rage, and war-making won’t work, and will only lay waste to relationships and problem solving.

Change and crisis, and that initial response of anger, spiced with overpowering feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, failure, rejection, jealousy, and revenge, all stirred up, makes for a toxic cocktail.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m addicted to that gut-wrenching response, and those stress chemicals are my own kind of heroin. Or, am I just a human being, hardwired to be the cranky alligator awakened from his nap.

Yet, when I can pull myself away from all that, and let my gut unclench, I can see the forest for the trees, and I can adapt my problem solving skills, and get to work.

I pour myself into the shape of the problem, like water in an ice filled glass, and fill in the spaces with my skills. Once I take this approach, and take off my armor and lay down my sword, and pick up my peacemaker tools, the solutions show up, and I can move ahead.

“Let it go,” I tell myself, pushing away the hot coals of rage and anger. “Give it time and this will play itself out.”

When I slow down the war talk, and take my time in walking through the battleground, I do better, and I start even liking myself. I begin to believe that this too shall pass, and I don’t need to start World War III. Later, that seems a simple truth. But, in my first response, I just don’t see it. I’m only the ‘gator in the swamp.

Life does that, giving us opportunities to revisit a lesson, and dust off some old tools. Again, I relearn the lesson and realize that not every affront and perceived insult calls for my reptilian warrior mode.

“It’s just life,” I remind myself. “I’ll get through it, and move on.”

I can deal with this, and do that work well.

I come to that, eventually, after I remind myself that I am like water, able to fill the space I find myself in.

–Neal Lemery, August 8, 2017