High School Graduation Day, in Prison

Graduations are wonderful. The best ones, however, are in prison, watching youth fill with intense pride and determination, grasping a diploma that was well out of their reach, until their lives turned around, until they felt a sense of hope and possibility in their lonely, desperate lives.

Today, they succeeded, they grew, they came into their own. Their valedictorian gave the best graduation speech any of us had ever heard, bringing us to tears, and cheers, earning a standing ovation from all.

“When the doors of this prison locked behind us, other doors opened ahead of us,” was his opening line.

Later, he told me he was half way towards achieving his associates degree, and dreams of earning an MBA. I have no doubt he will accomplish all of that, and more.

Another young man played a captivating song, exhibiting great talent on the guitar, and with his voice. The principal remarked that he had never played publicly before. It was another moment of amazement and celebration.

I watched sixteen young men celebrate their amazing achievement, and move ahead, seizing opportunity, changing their lives, and making a better world for all of us.

Congratulations, Trask River High School Class of 2013!

A Sacred Calling

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22

Celebrating 22, birthday man,
Anger’s ashes still cooling
The man he thought was dad, died when he was fifteen,
Real dad never around, never calling him son,
The kindly grandma he thought he had, now not really sure
She even knows he lives, but remembering
Her laugh, her soup after school.

We eat cake and tells stories, play guitar and laugh,
No one else in these chairs now
Behind this prison’s walls
He sings me his song.

5/31/13

The Mentor’s Checklist

A mentor needs a checklist, perhaps a job description, of the tasks you need to perform, and a bit of a roadmap for the experiences you will have. I do my mentoring work in a nearby prison for youth who have been convicted of sex crimes. They are often lonely, needy young men, who also have amazing resilience and fortitude.

This list is a good starting point on the art of mentoring, and learning about who you are, what you value in life, and how your experiences shaped your life.

Be a good role model. Ultimately, it is not what you say, but how you act.

First, do no harm. This is the corollary to the Golden Rule. You do this work to help others, and to nurture young souls. “If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”
Be on time. Be accountable and professional. Just showing up in your mentee’s life is enormous, and, often, a new experience for them. If you are going to be late, or need to reschedule, contact them promptly, and apologize. They have had a lifetime of people not showing up in their lives.
Be clean and presentable. Your visit is important to them, and by you taking care of yourself, and being prepared, you model healthy behavior and good social skills. One of my young men scrupulously examines my choice of shirts and is sensitive to my breath. You are a role model in this work, and you will be examined and tested.
Coffee and food are good ice breakers, and provide a social atmosphere. You are also teaching your mentee how to socialize, and chat over a cup or a snack. Giving the coffee and the food is also an act that models care and compassion. The prison I visit has a canteen, and the menu choices, ordering, paying, and being served our selection has offered countless lessons in real life living and accountability.
Don’t pry. If they have a story they want to share, or a bit of their history, they will let you know and they will tell you. A lot of people have asked them questions about this stuff, as part of their job, and you may come across as yet another social worker gleaning information and pumping them for details about stuff they probably don’t like talking about. If you create an atmosphere of trust, and genuine positive mutual regard, you will hear stories. Your challenge then becomes to be able to listen without overtly dropping your jaw when they share some astonishing anecdote of what they have survived.
Share some things about your life, your adolescence, your hobbies, a funny story you heard, some pleasant event that has occurred in your life. Be a teller of nice stories, stories that don’t expect a response, or talking about their own lives. But, in doing this, you are modeling social skills and developing trust. Once there is trust, you will hear their stories, and their dreams. You are growing men here, which is complicated business.
Confidentiality. Don’t gossip about your mentee, or their lives, and respect their privacy. They probably don’t have much privacy in their lives, and this time with you will develop into a time where they can truly be themselves, let their hair down and confide in you. Confidentiality and trust are intertwined. You are developing a healthy relationship, and you are modeling that. There is gossip in prison, too, so be professional at all times when you are visiting.
Don’t preach your own version of religion and spirituality. They’ve had a lot of that, and you aren’t there as a minister or proselyte. You will get questions about your spirituality, and I’ve tried to answer those inquiries with a lot of “I” statements, and a sense of continuing inquiry and journey. This area can be a rich source of good conversations.
Be open about your obligations as a mandatory reporter of abuse. Most mentors have a legal obligation to report child abuse and elder abuse. Let your mentee know of your obligations. I think it is a good idea to spend a few minutes early on about your legal duties, coupled with what you think mentoring is and what you are there for. Your mentee is curious about that, as well, and they also have ideas of what they expect from you. This is a continuing conversation. We have all grown from that conversation.
Be open to challenges and opportunities for real change. One of my mentees disclosed to me an incident of being a victim of sexual abuse. I reported this to staff, and the next day, I sat with my young man as he told his story to a supportive team of staff members. After four years of institutionalization, and countless treatment and counseling sessions, he was finally able to share this burden. My role was to be non-judgmental, supportive, and to facilitate counseling for him. He told me later he couldn’t have gone through that without me at his side. And, that report speeded up his emotional growth and his successful completion of sex offender treatment.
I suggest you also have a moral obligation to report suicidal ideations, depression, and other significant emotions, thinking, and plans you hear from your mentee. Make these reports openly, compassionately, and with a commitment to be emotionally supportive with your young mentee as professional staff deals with this information.
Be seen as a resource, and an advocate for your mentee’s best interests. Yes, sometimes, you need to be the messenger of a “not nice” incident or state of mind. So be it. There’s a bit of parenting in the job of mentor, and parents need to speak loving truth. I strive to be open and up front with what I am doing and what I value.
You will have a continuing dialogue with staff members and your mentee about your mentee’s life and their well being. Make this a fruitful time, and be supportive of the work that needs to be done.
Be mindful that some things that need to be done or said can only be done by a volunteer, someone who isn’t bound by a lot of rules and procedures. For example, staff can’t bring gifts for one youth. You can.
Be sensitive to their health and their emotional state. If they are tired, drained, or worried about something, let them know you care and that you are aware of their condition. Be supportive, and helpful. Normalize their worries, and show compassion.
Model good problem solving skills. Tell stories of how you have experienced difficult situations and crises. Explain how you worked through it, and talk about the resources you have had for such events. If I tell about a mistake I’ve made, that message becomes even more meaningful and productive. You are modeling your humanity, not your divinity.
Model respect. Be courteous, kind, and compassionate, not only to your mentee, but to the staff members and other people around you when you visit. Remember, it is not what you say, but how you act that is the most effective message you deliver.
Be upbeat. No matter what kind of day you’ve had, or what you are worried about, be positive, cheerful, and supportive. You do this to give them healthy energy, and to model healthy, positive living. You can use your own experience that day to be the basis for your message, and how you deal with it.
Invite your mentee to offer their suggestions on how you should handle a problem. Engage them in healthy decision making and empathic behavior. You are partners in this endeavor we call mentoring. Learn from each other. When they are teaching you, they also learn the lesson. You are creating an atmosphere of learning, and mutual positive regard.
Plan some fun activities. A birthday, a holiday, or some major event in the institution are opportunities to plan something positive, uplifting, and supportive. Then, show up for those events. Be on time, and behave appropriately. Such behavior is often a new event in their lives. Several of my young men had never, ever had a birthday party or presents. Throwing a simple birthday party for them turned into the highlight of their year and gladdened my heart beyond measure.
Mail them something regularly. A birthday card, a Christmas card, a postcard from some place you’ve visited, a copy of an interesting article you read in the paper, or a funny cartoon from the comics section, or an article about one of their favorite musicians, all of these things brighten their day. Sometimes, writing two sentences on a note card and sending it to them does immeasurably good work.
Find an appropriate book for them. Suggest some good reading. You might consider reading the book together at some of your meetings, which helps you assess their reading and comprehension skills, and makes your meetings meaningful and productive. I sometimes donate appropriate books to the institution, so that all the youth can benefit from some positive and useful materials (Scrabble dictionary, math tutoring educational materials, appropriate young adult novels, Native American cultural materials, etc.) We all have books on our shelves that are gathering dust, and a donation is not only good for your tax returns, but also good for your heart.
Be involved in their education and counseling work. Attend the periodic staffings on your mentee, and ask some questions. You will often notice things, or hear concerns that your mentee doesn’t express to staff. When appropriate, bring those up. One of my young men couldn’t see well and needed to have an eye exam. No one else noticed this, but I did, and he now wears glasses and can do much better in school. You also establish a dialogue with staff and you show them you can be a resource for them to use in helping your mentee.
Look for ways to bring more of the community into the institution. Last year, my wife and I arranged for a friend and his band partner to put on a concert in the institution. Everyone had a grand time, and the youth got to ask questions, and enjoy a professional rock and roll performance. Master gardeners and volunteers from the local Celebrate Recovery and AA organizations now come regularly, and others offer a variety of educational and cultural activities, as well as mentoring.
Respect their family time. Such time is often sporadic or even non-existent. Be flexible, and expect some emotional fall out, both before and after such events. You are part of the support system, and your mentee will naturally compare your relationship and your behavior on your visits, with their family experiences. Soft pedal the differences, and don’t sit in judgement about their family. Your mentee is well aware of the differences, and needs to not have to justify or explain what they see and what they feel. And, some day, you will hear what they think. This is a good space to practice your quiet cheerleading, unconditional personal regard skills. The day one of my guys graduated from high school, I stepped back, and didn’t spend much time with him. He knew I was there, and he needed to spend time with his family. He knew I supported him, and that was enough. I still got to see him graduate, and he had the space to navigate through family waters.
Practice self care. Take a break once in a while. Have a “safe place” you can process the stories you hear and the emotions you experience. You will hear some tough stories, and experiences that deeply touch your heart. On the way home, there is a “crying spot” for me. Sometimes, I stop there for a few minutes, and I often take some deep breaths, and cry, letting the sadness, the loneliness, and the “matter of fact” tone of one of my guy’s stories whirl around in my head, and find a place to go. Yes, I carry around those stories, but I also need to process them and deal with the sadness, and the tragedy of young lives. I have a big heart, and broad shoulders, but I also have my limits, and I need to respect my limits.
Surround yourself with supportive friends and activities, so that you are emotionally healthy and balanced, and can bring that goodness with you on your visits.
Tell your stories of your own growth and experiences to others, so that these young lives can be a part of your community.

Purging Violence In My Life

I think it is time for a break.
I spent a day this weekend at an environmental summit, in the presence of the Dalai Lama, along with 10,000 other people, people who cared enough about their spiritual lives and humankind’s impact on the environment to spend a gorgeous spring day inside, listening and absorbing wisdom and spirituality not only from the spiritual leader of Tibet, but also other wise and thought-provoking leaders.
I came away invigorated, stimulated by the sheer simplicity of their wisdom, and their ideas to change how we live, and what we are here on this planet to accomplish.
A week earlier, I had gone to the movies with my wife, sitting through a showing of the latest superhero blockbuster, nearly two hours of loud explosions, terrorism, weapons gadgetry, and death. Oh, the good guys “won” in the end, and all was right with the world, and all the violence and death was just “fantasy”.
I’m not sure my mind could really tell the difference, and during the next few days, I felt disoriented, out of sorts, not in tune with who I strive to be, and how I want to live my life.
Now, the contrast from watching the movie and listening to an inspiring talk about compassion and one’s purpose in life, and how we can serve others, churns inside of me. The two experiences, a week apart, have left me feeling incongruent, conflicted, not easily reconciled.
I visit our local youth prison quite a bit, mentoring young men who are locked up for six or seven years, men who have worked on their addictions, their anger, their rage, and the abuse they’ve experienced, and inflicted on others, men who are trying to move on with their lives, trying to find some peace, and some purpose for their rejuvenated, rehabilitated lives.
Violence and rage hasn’t suited them very well, and they are paying the price. Our society has come up with the simplistic solution of locking them up in prison, with a mandatory prison term, and no incentive to earn time off for good behavior, for truly changing their lives. Such thinking does its share in contributing to anger and rage, and feeling separated, distanced from the community.
I suppose there is the argument that society is being protected, and they are being punished. Yet, there are a lot of costs that we are all paying, and will pay in the future, for such an approach to dealing with kids who’ve been neglected, abused, growing up without parents, in households ravaged by addiction and violence and indifference.
Does the possibility of seven years in prison really become a factor in the twisted insanity of drugs, neglect, abuse, and sexuality in a fourteen year old, whose brain has yet to achieve any rational degree of processing and controlling emotion? Somehow, deterrence doesn’t seem to be an effective argument for mandatory prison time for these man children, not in this highly sexualized and drug promoting culture.
A friend of mine often says, “what we permit, we promote.”
I often wonder what we could accomplish in their lives, if the $200 plus dollars a day taxpayers spend to keep each one of these young men in prison had been spent early on in their lives, so that we invested in their childhood, and offered hope, and opportunity, and emotional support, that they may not have ended up here, watching the calendar, a bit fearful of how they are going to cope with being out of prison, how they are going to manage their lives.
Not having a father in their lives is the norm with the young men I visit, and they feel physically abandoned, emotionally cut off, flawed. That hunger eats into them, into their souls.
During family visiting time on Mothers’ Day, only eight youth, out of the seventy five imprisoned there, were visited by their families. As I visited with two young men, hearing more about their lives, their hopes, and their dreams, and hopefully instilling a little emotional support and healthy values as we sipped coffee and played a game, I looked at the empty tables, thinking of families not being there for their sons.
And, that is a form of violence in our world, not being there, not being involved in the lives of young men.
Such violence is not that far removed from the senseless Boston Marathon bombings, or the gang-related shootings in New Orleans during their Mothers’ Day parade, shootings that injured nineteen people out for a day with their families, celebrating a bit of parenting, a bit of maternal love and nurturance.
There is a simple reason we have gangs in our country. They offer the feeling of family, the belonging that young men crave.
And that blockbuster “super hero” movie, it remains the most popular movie on Mothers’ Day weekend.
I can understand why all the ticket-holders for the super hero movie may not be as eager to spend their time listening to an elderly Tibetan monk share his thoughts about human compassion, and how we can change our intentions and our attitudes, and thereby change how we live, and how our community functions. After all, there aren’t any robotic fantasy gadgets and special effects, no exploding bombs and crashing planes, and bullet defying armor to keep up on the edge of our seats. There aren’t any computer animated soundtracks, and a plot where the good guy destroys the bad guys in a burst of light, and color, and noise, loud enough to shake my seat.
Instead, there is a calm, thoughtful voice, and a thoughtful soul-feeding discussion about who we really are, and what we can truly be capable of, if only we use our brains and our hearts.
I’m going to spend my time now a bit differently, more of thinking about compassion, more about living my real values, and a lot less time in the movie theatre, or keeping up with the latest headline news shows.

Neal Lemery, April 13, 2013

What If I Screw Up?

My reply to a young man who has a serious question …

You aren’t alone in asking this question. If we are honest with ourselves, we all ask this question. And, the corollary, “what can I do to not screw up?”.

Life is a journey, not a destination, so there is always the process of making choices, choosing the right path, reassessing, regrouping. There is always the thinking about one’s goals, what is the purpose of one’s life, and where am I going.

Aristotle counseled, “know thyself”. Philosophers and theologians and everyone else has been doing this work for millennia.

When we are born, we are not given an owner’s manual. The “directions” for a good and fruitful life aren’t really laid out for us, and aren’t explained to any of us very well. Oh, we are good observers and imitators, and sometimes, we even listen to good advice. We might be lucky and have good teachers of morals, values, and practices on how to be productive and peaceful.

Yet, biologically, we are warriors, and we are animals. We are still the cave bear hunters and the guys who sharpen our spears, and worry about the tribe down the river who will attack us for food or to steal our horses.

The primitive “hunter brain” in us develops first. The thoughtful, analytical, rational thinking brain develops much later. And the part of the brain that is good at dealing with emotions and feelings, well it really only gets on board when we are in our mid 20s.

When we are cornered and scared, we go back to using our primitive, hunter, animal brain, the “reptile” brain above the base of our skull. The use of fear and instant reflexes kept us alive in the jungle, and we fall back on that when we are in the jungle of society.

In my life, I’ve wanted to deal with injustice, bigotry, poverty, and ignorance. I’ve worked outside of society and inside of society. I’ve put a lot of time and effort into educating myself, and gaining more tools to do this work, and live a productive, and effective life.

Such work is hard and exhausting. I’ve learned that in order to live in society, and to be a worker for justice and knowledge and compassion, I’ve also needed to really be productive in taking care of myself.

I need sanctuary and peace from the craziness of society. I find peace in nature. I’ve become a photographer, a hiker, a poet, a gardener, a bird watcher, a painter, a guitar player, the owner and caretaker of pets, so I can nurture that peace and connect myself with nature.

I’ve become a lifelong learner, a reader of books, a researcher, a perpetual student. I’ve nourished my curiosity, and kept my mind growing. I’ve become a writer, using that daily practice to lead me deeper into my thoughts, and into new ideas. Writing expands my mind and makes me really think, and to really question.

I choose my family and my friends carefully. People who are toxic to me are people for me to avoid. They suck my life force energy from me. I find love in a few people, and I nourish that and respect that.

I try to surround myself with smart, thoughtful, compassionate people, people who challenge me to grow and learn, and to love better.

I try to surround myself with beauty: art, music, landscape, poetry, and experiences that nourish my soul.

I look for challenging situations, and to be a voice for decency, love, respect, compassion, and justice. But, I choose my battles carefully. I strategize. I go at the problems and the issues at a new angle, and I plant my seeds in other people’s minds.

Full out war with other people usually isn’t very productive for me. So, I will go a different route. Patience is a very useful tool in my tool box.

Society offers a great number of distractions. We are a consumer society, and people will always be after you (and especially your money) for trash. It is a daily challenge to step around that and stay focused on what you really want out of the day.

And, what I want each day is to be loved, to love, to learn, to laugh, and to be congruent and honest with my core values, and with the real world. I want to grow, and be productive, and live a meaningful life. And, it is a great day when I can be kind to another person, to love them, and to grow a bit of compassion and peacefulness in a relationship.

So, I avoid the “altered state” world of drunkenness, drug abuse, sexual exploitation, and mindless “diversions” that the consumer world keeps yapping at me about.

I find myself drawn to the peace that nature offers. I have an early morning ritual of a quiet walk down my road to get the newspaper. I notice my neighbors’ horses and goats, and the birds in the trees, the sky overhead, the trees, the quiet morning air, maybe the sound of the rain on my hat and the feel of the rain on my skin.

I know that the coffee is brewing and my wife is waiting for me and the paper, so we can sip coffee together, read and talk about the day’s news and, especially, the ideas in the newspaper, and enjoy each other’s brains and love.

It is a time for me to get my act together, to plan what I what to do and what I want to accomplish today.

I get things in order, and change my focus on to what I want to have happen in my life that day, to put my energies to work on building my life, and living my morals, and be true in my direction in life.

Life has problems. Part of my task is to understand and to solve those problems, to be a good manager. Some problems need to be given over to Spirit, and to others to worry about. If I do my best, and if I am really honest with myself, then I am a good manager of problems.

Some problems I can’t solve. And, there are some problems I can’t manage very well. I try to figure all that out and to put my energies and my analytical mind to good use, managing and working on stuff I CAN do, stuff I do well. The other stuff, well, I talk with my team and put them to work on dealing with the problem.

I have a team. My friends, my wife, my family, and time. I have me on my team, too. So, I make sure “me” is well taken care of and ready for the day. I try to be exercised, fed, washed, clothed, and make sure I have met my need for being in nature and being in quiet contemplation. Do I have my thinking in order? Do I have my brain focused on the task at hand?

Am I being realistic? Are my goals for the day sensible, or have I been sucked into fantasy? Am I catastrophizing, imagining that the worst will happen today? Am I depressed and sad, lonely? (And, if so, I need to work on that, and practice self care, and be healthy.)

I plan my vacations, my time away. And, sometimes, that is a ten minute break, just staring at the sky, or playing my guitar, or petting my cat. Sometimes, I have lunch with myself, having a good visit with myself, and taking some “me” time. I remind myself that I love myself, that I am worthy of love, and that I am a decent human being.

Yeah, the world batters me around. I have wounds and I get angry and frustrated. Life teaches me lessons, and I keep having those experiences, until I learn the lesson that is there for me to learn.

Life is like that; it wants you to learn something and it doesn’t give up on dumping crap on you until you finally learn the lesson you need to learn.

We are spiritual beings, and so I make sure I nourish my spiritual life, and do good spiritual practices. Feeding my soul is an essential part of my life. I wander off the path if I don’t do this. It is part of self care and self love.

No one will come along with a magic wand someday and pronounce you fully enlightened and all wise about life. No one has the answers. Reaching some chronological age doesn’t suddenly enlighten you and solve all your problems.

You, my brother, get to be the captain of your own ship here. You get to define your problems and you get to decide what sort of attention you pay to your problems. And, maybe some things that people want you to think is a problem, isn’t your problem. Other people’s drama may not be the play you want to act in, or even be in the audience.

You have two decades of rich and fertile experience and wisdom. You have some solid goals and dreams in your life. You have a lot of tools and knowledge. You also know that if you don’t have the answers, you know how to learn the answers. You have a team, and you have yourself.

I think you are a well armed, well equipped warrior for this journey we call life. The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, by Dan Millman, is a metaphysical way of looking at all this. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig is also a good resource and a great read (he wanders about the country on his motorcycle and muses about life).

I want you to screw up once in a while. I want you to have challenges and to have to do some hard thinking about your values and your actions, and the conflict with all of that. “The unexamined life is not worth living”, is a seminal concept in Greek philosophy. I want you to wrestle with these issues, and to be thoughtful and caring, and to love yourself in the doing of all of that. In that work, you will grow into an even more beautiful, special person.

Life makes you stronger, more fit. But, we do this thing called “Life” together. It is all a continuing discussion. You are loved and you are empowered. And, you will do this well. I believe in you.

Respectfully,

Neal C. Lemery

Soul Killing and Redemption

When you see your mom yelled at and beaten up by the man she loves, when you’re four years old, what do you do?

When you realize that your dad was never, ever around for you, and isn’t in your life, what do you do? Now, at 22, you hear he wants to see you, but in your heart, you figure he hasn’t been around for your whole life, so why start now? The care and the love just hasn’t been there, not when you’ve needed it. Why make the effort?

When you are standing in the yard when you’re five, and you see a guy with a knife, chased by a cop, and you watch them fight, and you see the knife, and then the gun, and then the blood, what do you do?

When your sister dies when you are four, and no one can tell you why, what do you do?

When your mom’s boyfriend yells at you and beats you up, and throws you out of the house when you’re’ seven, and then you start setting fires around town, what do you do?

When the people at school think you are a bad boy and don’t fit in and therefore stupid, you must need to be in a special needs program. Just because you already know all the answers in class and are bored to death, and you don’t like to sit still and you yell when you get angry, because that is how your family does it, and you don’t think anyone cares about you, because of everything you are inside, what do you do?

When you are fourteen, and the best thing to do is to hitchhike a thousand miles and come back in a few weeks, and people decide you need to go to detention and sit in a cell for a month, what do you do? Is “runaway” such a bad thing to be, after all that?

When the only man in the family is a drunk and has been in prison, and there’s no other guy around who even talks to you, what do you do?

When childhood and adolescence is a long list of institutions and court appearances and a long road of counselors and programs and treatments, and that is just what life is, now, what do you do?

When you’re nineteen, and you beat up a prison guard, and you find yourself in a ten foot cell in the penitentiary for six months, what do you do?

When the rage and the anger burn deep inside of you, and then someone calls you a dumb Indian, AGAIN, what do you do?

When all the “bad” labels someone can try to pin on you have all been slapped on you, your whole life, and you’ve had about all you can take, what do you do? And, then, you also know that you’ve been treated like all your family and your people have been treated for the last two hundred and fifty years, and not much has gotten any better, what do you do?

And, when you read a book by Sherman Alexie and the story of the boy on the Rez is also your story, and the rage and anger and love and beauty of that boy is also your story and your life, and that you are not alone in all of this, what do you do?

When you can take a few scraps of leather, and make it into a beautiful work of art, or when you write and then sing a beautiful song, deep from within your own precious, sweet soul, and you know you really are a wondrous child of God, what do you do, inside these walls?

When all this churns and simmers inside of you, and so many voices keep telling you that you’re stupid, and poor, and a criminal and won’t ever amount to anything, that no one comes right out and says that they love you, and the world keeps locking you up, in so many ways, and all you want to do is run through the woods, and feel the sun on your face, and be one with God, what do you do?

When you are close to getting paroled and you get accepted into a halfway house that you actually think is a good place, and then the date you get out keeps getting moved around, and now you don’t know for sure if you get out this week, or next month, or maybe in a few months, or ???, and no one seems to care enough to answer your questions about that, what do you do?

And, we wonder why some guys don’t do very well once they get out of prison, why they can’t seem to adjust very well to life “on the outside”, and follow all the rules, and don’t use drugs and alcohol and don’t get into fights. And, then, when they become husbands and fathers, we wonder why there might be some “issues” at home about life and relationships and parenting and being good citizens.

But, we should be “tough on crime” and “put away the bad guys”, and then we will have a peaceful and safe society, just because we put a higher percentage of our population in prison than any other country in the world. Is that what defines this country?

As Dr. Phil might ask, “How’s that working for you?”

And we spend all this money, and time, and people’s care and concern for young people in prison, and give lip service to “rehabilitation” and “crime prevention”, when maybe we should look back a bit in time, to when kids first come into this world. And we know they are looking to have a mom and a dad, and live in a quiet and safe and “normal” home, and love to go to school, have good friends, and do wonderful, loving things in their lives.

And, when none of this happens, and instead life is filled with rage and the distractions of a crazy and lonely society, self medication and self deprecation, and not having a place in this world to grow and put down your roots and feel cherished, and then, if you don’t fit in, we lock you up and institutionalize you, and reinforce criminal thinking, we wonder why you don’t do better?

We know what works. We know, now, how the brain grows and learns about relationships and how love, the right kind of love, waters and nourishes young souls, and how the wrong kind of relationship is a poison, not just for the community, but for every precious soul in this life.

We know that all this good work takes time, it takes love, and it takes compassion.

And, not that our schools and prisons aren’t staffed with kind and committed people, who toil in these fields day after day, dealing with the toughest and most challenging situations and personalities. And, not everyone can be “saved”. Yet, they don’t give up.

We can’t give up. We can take the time, and we can make the commitment, maybe just with one person. Have that conversation, make that connection, get a bit involved in their life. Listen, and then listen again. Listen with your heart, with your humanity, and not with the expectations, and biases, and the vantage point of someone who hasn’t lived how they have lived.

Transform a life. You may think that young person you listen to will learn from you, and, by listening and caring about them, their lives will change. And, perhaps that is true. What will really change, though, is your life. You will see things differently, and you will understand who you are, and what you are all about, and how to change the world.

Put an end to the soul killing. It kills all of us, slowly and surely.

–Neal Lemery April 29, 2013

Perseverance

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
― Maya Angelou

I’ve been learning about perseverance lately. Springtime brings out the gardener in me. I watch tiny seeds sprout and then miraculously grow into healthy green plants. I transplanted and divided a rose bush, and a stalk with just a few leaves and a bit of root now is thriving, and sending out new growth.

Those tiny seeds, lost in my dirty fingers, turn into plants for my garden and the promise of a bountiful harvest in a few months.

People around me are like those seeds. Full of promise and determination, they “plant” themselves in the challenges and struggles of our world, and grow themselves into beautiful, productive, and love filled people.

A few days ago, I heard the poet Nikki Finney read some of her poems and talk about her life and her work. She is a naturally gifted writer and teacher, using words to create rich, abundant images, and beautiful poems. She is inspiration and talent, and her passion for caring about life and our world electrified me and the other 2,000 people who listened to her every word.

When she was eighteen, she read a poem at a workshop. A wise woman commented that her words were pretty, but wondered what she was going to do with those pretty words, and how she was going to use those pretty words to make a difference in the world.

“What is your plan?” the woman asked.

Indeed, what is anyone’s plan for their life? What am I going to do with what I have?

Several of the young men I mentor at the local youth prison are now gardeners. The master gardeners from the local farm extension service visit now, and have shared their passion for gardening. These young men, perceived by some as criminals who need to be locked up and forgotten about, are becoming skilled gardeners and farmers. They understand the importance of weeding, pruning, and watering in order to grow for the coming summers in their lives, nurturing their souls and living the metaphor of sowing crops in fertile soil.

They persevere. They overcome the obstacles of their lives. They take risks, putting their souls into inhospitable conditions, knowing that there will be sunshine to grow their tender new leaves and nutrients to feed their roots growing deep into rich soil. There will be frosts and cold rains, and bugs and weeds. But, they keep working at the task at hand, at life, and in growing strong.

They learn new skills, and they heal from the wounds and struggles of the past, becoming part of a community, moving into their manhood.

It is hard work, as any seedling knows, settling in and putting down roots in the garden we call the adult world. Yet, they keep at it, and they move on.

Almost all of them wouldn’t finish high school, outside of prison. Yet, this spring, a record number of them will become high school graduates. They don’t opt for a GED, and instead, they choose to go to school, learn with others, and do the work they need to go in order to pass a challenging high school curriculum.

Many of them move on to college, taking college classes. One of my young friends there became the first inmate to achieve his associates degree, becoming the first college graduate in his family. Others saw how he worked, and how he dreamed, and they, too, are working on their degrees.

They are going beyond what they thought they could ever accomplish in their lives, and they are moving ahead. They can dream, now, and know that if they work hard, if they are like the tough little seed thrown into the garden soil, they will sprout and grow, they will move ahead in life.

They persevere.

—Neal Lemery, April 25, 2013

Making Sense, Making Peace

Today is yet another day of this chaotic week. The national news is overrun with bombings, shootings, explosions, and controversial political decisions over guns.
In Syria, Afghanistan, and Iraq, there are more bombings, more attacks, more deaths. American troops are now in Jordan, staging for humanitarian aid in Syria, but also a rocket’s path away from that civil war.
We are so interconnected, so aware now of such violence, such chaos and uncertainty. Our technology and our mass media culture now brings such events into our living rooms, into our pants pockets, as we seem to be compelled to check on the state of the world in a spare moment.
I turn off the TV. I can’t stand the instant news, the hours of rehashing, and dramatizing, and speculation. My blood pressure goes up, and there’s a knot in my stomach. My sense of powerlessness and frustration gets tossed into the energies of the commentators, the marketers of “crisis” and “terror” and catastrophe.
A friend of mine tells me that he gets anxious about a lot of things in life, that he’s a worry wort, and has to consciously avoid “catatrophizing” much of life’s concerns. When I watch the “instant news” channel, it seems like a flash mob of “catastrophizers”.
That is not how I want to live my life, and to get through my day, and be a healthy human being. I have decided not to be part of that “flash mob”, and I click off the offending noise and chaos that has filled my living room.
I soak up the peace, when the TV goes silent. I look around for a bit of beauty, maybe pick up my guitar and strum a song. But, the craziness of the events in Boston and all the rest of the news still tightens up my shoulders, still nags at me.
Yet, how do I respond? How do I react? It is not like I can change the outcome of bombs in Boston, or the national epidemic of gun-related homicides in this country, or even the violence in my own community.
Or can I? Certainly I have a big voice in how I go about my life, and I would like to think I have a big impact on people in my family, my neighborhood, even the emotional atmosphere of the line at the grocery store, or the post office, or the place I had lunch with a friend yesterday.
I’m just one guy. But, I do interact with others during the day. I have conversations, I conduct a little business, I say hi to folks I know around town. I put stuff up on Facebook and my blog. I chat with the guy who fills up my gas tank, and tell him thanks, and ask how he’s doing. And, then, I really listen to what he has to say. We connect, and we have a real conversation. And, that doesn’t take a whole lot of effort. It’s part of my job as a member of my community.
In all of that, I can set an example, and I can give out a sense of compassion and peaceful living, and I can listen. My little efforts may not change the world overnight, and the Nobel Peace Prize committee may not be reading all of my blog posts and finding out my phone number.
But, I can create a little peace in this world, and that little bit of peace can spread out, and be the ripple in the pond of how we all interact.
Yesterday, I joked and laughed with an old friend, and we gave each other some ideas on how we each can grow and change, and become more skilled in the arts of peacemaking, listening, and compassion. I’m going to try out some new things, and I found a class that would help me be a better member of the community, of being of better service to others.
I’m planting my garden, I’m playing my guitar, I’m sending a poem to several young men to give them some inspiration, and let them know, again, that I care about them, and that they have amazing possibilities in their lives.
Last night, one of the young men I’m mentoring in prison called. He’s getting out soon, and will, for the first time in his life, be out in the world, looking for a job, and being a healthy member of society. He’s worried about all the changes, and all the responsibility. And, he’s worried about how he’s going to manage all of that, and to deal with a lot of his anger that has been simmering in his soul most of his life.
He isn’t one to come right out and talk about his worries, and his anxiety, but it is there, right below the surface.
So, we talked, and he told me more about himself, and what he is doing to prepare for being in the world, and the things he’s looking forward to. It wasn’t a deep, soul changing conversation, but it was a conversation. I listened. I cared. I told him I worry about him and that I’d be with him on that day the prison door slams behind him and he can make his own way in the world.
I could hear in his voice that not too many people listen to him, or even care that he is getting out of prison soon. But, I cared, and I listened. And, when we ended our call, I could tell he’d unwound, he felt better about himself and he felt he mattered to someone. We have a deeper friendship now. We have a better connection.
One phone call may not heal the pain that Boston is going through, or stop someone from planning to detonate a bomb in the middle of a sporting event, and kill and maim innocent people.
But, maybe, just maybe, that phone call, that listening, that caring will move a young man away a bit from the anger and rage that simmers in a young man, and give him hope to seek a life of compassion, and usefulness, and even joy.
Knowing that someone cares, that someone listens to him might be what he needs to be able to vent his rage and his anger through his art or his music, or in going for a long run along the river, instead of making a pressure cooker bomb and setting it off in the middle of his community.
And, maybe, that is a bit of peacemaking that I can bring to the world today.

–Neal Lemery April 19, 2012

Possibility

Just at the last bit of night,
all that you will become dawns on me–
I hear your voice and see your face in the new day’s light
and imagine you,
emerging into your now adult life.

You, somewhere else now, awaken and start
your day, fresh, strong, prepared finally —
new challenges, new tasks, a new way
of living free, self determined,
on your own.

No longer tied down to the old ways
free, now, to move ahead, making your own path
and finding your own future,
just like we had talked, just like we had both
dreamt, not that long ago.

I do not mourn our past, together, watching you
take those steps that have led to where you are now,
for I knew this day was coming, this is now your destiny.

You, now, all grown and strong, find your own way,
blossoming into who
you are meant to be, in all your strength and brilliance,
so clear to me, those possibilities, the first day I met you.

You hadn’t realized, then, what you could become,
what you will do,
this promising morning,
until you took a good look in the mirror
of your soul.

The tree in the front of the yard is about to bloom,
the metaphor for you, now, roots solid in the ground,
limbs reaching up to the sky, and blossoms
ready to open
to all that is good,
all this that has become
possible.

—- Neal Lemery, April 2013