Uncelebrated Heroes

` –by Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 12/31/2025)

A recent holiday music special honored a family who opened their home to over 100 children who were homeless, hungry, and in need of family. Their message was simple and frank: we should live our lives with kindness and service, and show love to others. Their work grew exponentially, and the organization now has served thousands of kids. It was a story I had not heard, and but for the television show, I would have been unaware of that selfless and heart-warming service to others.

While running errands, I experienced other stories of people simply being kind and generous, often setting aside their own judgments and conclusions, and just doing the right thing, doing something good for the simple reason of just being a good person. While waiting at the checkout line at the grocery store, I saw one customer help out another customer who was short on funds for their groceries, simply handing the clerk their credit card, and asking them to pay the bill in full. The grateful customer, about to cry, started to refuse, but the other customer insisted, and gave them a big smile. The rest of us had wet faces, too, our hearts touched by this simple and generous act of the Christmas spirit.

No big public thanks or applause, just being quietly generous and kind. And, teaching and reminding all of us the reason for the season. That experience was my best Christmas present. It was a great community sermon, not needing any of us to go to church or open a hymnal. The sermon seemed to write itself.

That work of kindness and generosity is commonplace in my community, and usually goes uncelebrated. Generous folks tend to want to be anonymous in their good deeds. As Joyce Vance says, “Do the right thing, for the right reason, in the right way.”

“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” — Jane Goodall.

Such kindnesses occur year-round in this small town. I’ve known of foster parents who will take in a child in the middle of the night, because it is the right thing to do, and being available to a kid has a huge impact on a child’s life. I’ve been a foster parent too (well, it is a lifetime title), and the benefits are widespread and lifechanging. We can all make a difference in a child’s life, in many ways.

The local Chamber of Commerce is preparing to select and honor an annual Citizen of the Year, and I’m sure they will find a solid list of highly qualified nominees. Yet, the list is long of good people, kind, charitable folks who give selflessly, and with only the expectation of being of service to someone in need. Such generosity is commonplace, and I am often guilty of taking that generosity for granted. “It is just who we are.” Well, yes, but that work is special, and has a message of sacredness and honor that we sometimes forget to recognize and honor. We need to celebrate that, and not take it for granted.

It is almost New Year’s Day, a time to make some resolutions and to take stock of where we have been and where we are going. As Angela Davis reminds us, “Choose what we can change. I’m no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I’m changing the things I cannot accept.”

A Bittersweet Time

By Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 12/24/2025)

When I was a kid, Christmas was always a bittersweet time. Lots of emotions were at play, even though the family worked together to make it a joyous and happy time with lots of festiveness and fun. It had all the attributes of a good time for a kid: a Christmas tree, happy music, great food, presents, and family members singing uplifting music. There was mystery and magic, good surprises, Midnight Mass, and hugs all around.

It was also the only time of the year I would see my grandma cry, weeping and then sobbing, and running off to her room for a half hour to compose herself, right when she was making the mulled sauce for the traditional Christmas Eve ham. No one would talk about why she would burst into tears, until I, being the impertinent child, asked her one year. My question got a scathing look from my mother, but I persisted.

I learned that Grandma’s mom had died on Christmas Eve, many years ago, and what was supposed to be a happy day was marked by deep sadness, and grief. Our family didn’t talk much about grief and loss anyway, so it didn’t surprise me that the anniversary was tough on all of the family, especially my grandmother. She was the queen at burying her emotions and not sharing difficult times. She didn’t share her emotions with anyone, especially the hard and deeply personal emotions of losing one’s parent when they were a kid.

Once I learned about the anniversary, I went out of my way to be kind to Grandma at Christmas, and gave her some hugs, and shared funny stories. I was able to get Grandma to talk about her mom, and tell some sweet and loving stories of her, and how she loved her family. After our talk, and sharing her feelings with the rest of the family, she warmed up, and became more open about being emotional and kind. Christmas wasn’t a mine field anymore, and we were all better at talking about our feelings.

This Christmas is a lot like that Christmas. It is a time of raw and tender emotions, a time of having a deep sense of loss and grief, and not knowing how to deal with a lot of complicated and conflicting emotions. The air feels heavy, and I’m not navigating through the season with a sense of joy or enjoyment. It seems that many of us are grieving and struggling in a tough year, where our lives are unsettled, and we are adrift, unsatisfied, and hurting.

A lot of that is our political experiences, but other aspects of our cultural and social life also seem out of whack, disoriented, and blurry. Watching the news or attending a concert of what should be our favorite and happy music seems to leave me unsettled, unsatisfied, and yes, disturbed, often angry and adrift. There’s a big chunk of a sense of order and goodness that is missing or just out of place. And, I don’t have good words to describe that. Like my grandmother grieving for her mother’s death anniversary at Christmas, I don’t have the words, and I resist talking about it. Part of me wants to hide, and live in denial.

This fall, I watched Ken Burns’ engaging documentary on the American Revolution, which gave me new insight into the American psyche and a renewed sense of history and the deep roots of the American spirit. There was a discussion of Thomas Paine’s influential pamphlet, Common Sense, and its opening sentence: “These are the times that try men’s souls.”

We are living in a similar time, where we are grieving the loss of some of our culture, values, and sense of morality. We often feel adrift, unsure of where the country is headed, of what our own place is in what is coming. It seems to be a good time for being reflective and purposeful. I often feel lost and aimless, and not really being able to give words to what I’m feeling.

Joan Baez recently spoke on finding and rediscovering one’s own sense of purpose and moral center. She was receiving a big award for her creativity, and spoke candidly and intensely to the Hollywood elite at the awards event.

‘If your voice can move millions and you choose not to use it for those who have no voice, then you are not creating change – you are creating noise.”

“If you have more than you need, it no longer belongs only to you. Your responsibility is to lift up those who are still beneath you.

“Legacy is not built on what you earn. It is built on what you give.”

I’m feeling I’ve misplaced my mojo, my sense of purpose, but Baez’ words are a wake-up call. We Americans have a rich heritage, and we have the tools to strengthen and rebuild our culture, and rediscover our sense of purpose and mission. I now see a lot of that renewal, that renaissance, and it gives me joy and hope.

Like my grandmother, we can give ourselves permission to grieve our losses, deal with our shared pain, and move forward, to give love to our families and our communities, and to make a real difference.

12/24/2025

Traditions and Gratitudes

By Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 11/27/2025)

I’m sentimental about Thanksgiving, the first big holiday of wintertime, when the expectations and the preparations for the holiday are not on steroids. It is a time for gathering with friends and family, with no expectations for frenzy and rampant consumerism. Just a good meal, good company and enjoyable conversations. Abundant food and dessert, and love are expected.

Our family has some long-standing traditions. My mom always set the table with an extra setting, and moved an extra chair to the dining room table. My young curiosity would ask “why”, to which my mom always replied “You never know.” And, almost every year, that chair would be filled by a sudden guest in need of a place to belong to for the holiday. They added a lot to the spirit of the day, and their smile at being included as part of the family gathering always raised our spirits and added more love and kindness to the day.

We get out some of the special dishes and my uncle’s candlesticks. The silver and pearl sugar spoon that my great great grandmother stashed on her wagon on the Oregon Trail is a must. The ordeals of our ancestors always are a topic of some reflection and conversation. And, I always sense the spriritual presence of those family members and friends who have passed on, choosing to remember their smiles and laughter around the table.

We also speak of our gratitudes. As we sit down at the table and begin to pass the food around, we each take a turn on saying what we are grateful for over the past year. It is a healthy ritual, as people often share some experience that the rest of us were unaware of. Figuring out what I need to contribute, as my gratitude, often humbles me, as I don’t often “count my blessings” or take time to pause and reflect on what is really important in our lives.

It warms my heart to find the words and the experiences for which I am grateful.

One year, the brother of our foster son filled the “empty chair”. We had gotten an unexpected call Thanksgiving morning, and learned he had no place to go for the holiday. He was warmly welcomed, and his smile brightened the room. When it came his turn to share his gratitudes, he spoke from his heart, and began to cry. Well, we all did. He was the spirit of Thanksgiving and kindness that year, his remarks reminding all of us of the “reason for the season” and what family is all about.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Here Comes the Sun, a review

Here Comes the Sun: A Last Chance for the Climate and a Fresh Chance for Civilization

By Bill McKibben

This new book is an insightful and wholistic look at our planet’s climate crisis and the innovations in solar and wind energy to transform our energy needs and abilities to reduce carbon emissions. In this well-written, fast paced and instructive book, the reader is well-informed on economic forces, technology, and innovative approaches to greatly reduce our dependency on petroleum and replace it with cheap, available solar and wind power resources.

McKibben is well informed and does both his field work and his conversations with a wide range of experts and leaders in progressive thinking, as well as sharing “boots on the ground” experiences with people from all over the world. He offers insights, and suggestions for changing our thinking and our utilization of energy sources, with a great deal of common sense. He makes this exploration fascinating, and challenges us to approach energy resources and climate change with new approaches and fresh applications of science and technology.

The reader gains insight and a sense of hopefulness, with the book being a positive approach to difficult challenges and crisis management. I learned a lot and came away with greater understanding of our challenges and our abilities to take on and solve challenging problems.

As Naomi Klein, author of This Changes Everything: Capitalism vs The Climate, says, “Trust Bill McKibben to find light in the darkness – and oh what a light it is. This is the energizing vision and game plan so many of us have been waiting for, and of course it comes from one of our era’s most imaginative and trusted voices.”

—Neal Lemery

I Hear You

https://neallemery.substack.com/p/i-hear-you

My New Book! Recharging Ourselves: Strengthening Our Community Through Kindness

My new book, Recharging Ourselves: Strengthening Our Community Through Kindness, is now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

We are all builders and architects of community. By telling our stories and the stories of our neighbors, we explore our community’s strengths and the tools to improve everyone’s lives. This collection of essays and stories celebrates rural America in the 21st century, and digs into the challenges we face. These essays also celebrate where we have come from and how we are going to further build our communities, inspire our youth and collaborate for a brighter, healthier future.

The book is an exploration of community life in rural America, examining mentoring, volunteerism, community action, relationships, nature, and education. I look at community life through the lens of civic engagement and empowerment of individuals to change community values and institutions. We are the forces for change. By telling our stories, and encouraging others to tell their stories, we come together, we become the builders and educators, the leaders for meaningful change.

A Look at Tillamook County, Oregon’s Needs by the Numbers

By Neal Lemery

(Published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 7/7/2025)

A friend asked me the other day what they might do to help the community. They wondered if we had significant poverty and other social issues. I told them to take a good look around and become aware of what seems so obvious to many of us. I researched some alarming statistics, which are likely outdated, understated, and under-reported. These numbers paint a disturbing picture and are a call to action.

Oregon State University and the Ford Family Foundation have assembled an insightful look at where our county is at in terms of our well-being, health, and educational needs. https://www.tfff.org/wp-content/uploads/Tillamook-CountyProfiles-2024.pdf

46% of our households experience financial hardship (12% live below the federal poverty line, 34% below the Asset Limited, Income Restrained, but Employed (ALICE), which means they don’t have enough income for their basic needs). That 46% compares to 29% nationally.

11% of the population has food insecurity.17% of our kids live in poverty.

33% of our population has a third grade reading level or less; 21% have a fifth grade math level or less.

We pay more property taxes ($2,296 per person) than the state average of $1,862.

Our two-year-old kids have only a 56% vaccination rate (Oregon has a 68% rate).

Our mental health providers have a ratio of 317 people per provider, but Oregon’s ratio is 148 people per provider.

We live in a “child care desert” with 7.9 providers per 100 kids. The state ratio is 18.4 providers per 100 kids.

With the oncoming cuts in SNAP benefits and Medicaid (the Oregon Health Plan), these local statistics and the impact on our neighbors and our community will only become more challenging. There is talk about not keeping local hospitals and clinics open, and cutting food programs in schools.

What my friend can do, and what we can all do, is become better informed, and more involved in organizations that are taking on the social issues that these statistics mean to all of us. We all know people who are working in the professions that deal with the problems associated with poverty, education, health care, food supply, and the needs of kids. Their knowledge, their experiences, and their passion for service and care of others are tremendous assets to the community.

We need more conversations, more engagement by all of us in these issues. We need to be better informed, not only on the issues that these numbers represent, but how we can collectively address these problems, learn about solutions and how to become engaged in being our community problem solvers.

These numbers, and the daily struggle and challenge our community members have, are a call to action. We need to have difficult conversations, and be the cause of “good trouble” as John Lewis famously said.

As Margaret Meade said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed individuals can change the world. In fact, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

–7/7/2025

On Freedom

By Neal Lemery

(published in the Tillamook County Pioneer, 7/1/2025)

“Freedom, in its simplest form, is the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. It’s often associated with liberty and autonomy, signifying the ability to make choices and act without coercion. In a broader sense, freedom can encompass various aspects, including freedom of speech, religion, and the press, as well as freedom from oppression and want.” –Wikipedia

We live in society, living collectively, in a structured existence with certain expectations, common rules of behavior and conduct, and common beliefs on how we should behave. We pride ourselves on being free.

Our common idea of who we are as a community, as a nation, is that none of us are “free” to act as we individually desire, to be anarchists. Instead, each of us has agreed to be part of the tribe, grouped together with common purposes and expectations, and obligations of citizenship.

This acceptance of our “social contract” was extensively discussed during the Age of Enlightenment of the 18^thCentury, and became the framework for the rise of democratic and republican institutions. It was the intellectual foundation of the American Revolution, a rejection of the tired social structure of monarchies and the divine right of kings. Abandoning the autocratic structures of feudalism, reformers advocated for giving voice to individualism and government based on popular, educated debate and majority rule. The Virginia Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the US Constitution emerged from such thought and debate.

That debate of our fundamental common principles continues today, as we refine and reshape our society and our governmental and economic structures. We owe it to ourselves and the entire community to respect and nurture these conversations, and to be meaningful, informed parties to those conversations. Such is the labor of a freedom-loving people.

True freedom is not anarchy, and does not thrive without a form of government that respects both individual voices and a collective acceptance of community good. The implementation of individual rights and collective accountability often seem to be conflicting, but in that, both enlightened ideals will thrive and nurture both individual freedoms and society as a whole.

Our disagreements, our debates, our differences of opinions, our seemingly competing values are actually our strengths as a society. Vigorous and informed debates and conflicts sharpen our minds and strengthen our respective opinions and viewpoints. The inquisitive mind and critical thinking are some of our greatest assets. In engaging in vigorous debate, we are truly fulfilling our respective obligations within our social contract, by being educated and active citizens, speaking our minds and giving deep consideration to the views and opinions of others.

Freedom isn’t being able to do whatever I please, or say whatever thought pops into my head. Instead, I have obligations, part of the duties of being a free person, to delve into issue, research my facts, develop sound logical arguments, and engage in dialogue that is respectful of others, informed, and also open to change and reconsideration.

As a citizen, as a person who honors the concept of freedom, I am fulfilling my obligations as a citizen to be informed, to be questioning of my own opinions and the opinions of others, and to participate in the public forum with respect for others and the willingness to change my own views.

Part of freedom is the duty to be a lifelong learner, a continuing gatherer of facts, and to engage in meaningful, respectful debate of the issues of the day. This is good citizenship. And this is being an endorser of the principle of a free and just society.

Each of us is obligated to be a good and responsible member of the tribe, the village, the state, and the nation. By revolting against the king, we have taken on the tasks of governing ourselves, through healthy, vigorous democratic institutions. Each of us has duties to work to strengthen and protect our democratic institutions, “to promote the general welfare and provide for the common defense.”

8/29/2025

Thinking About Fathers’ Day

By Neal Lemery

Father’s Day seems to only be an American custom of going through the motions of making an annual nod to the role of fathers and the state of fatherhood in this country. Yet, we don’t talk about the real issues and concerns we should be addressing on this “special day for dads”. We don’t have much in the way of national or community celebrations or observances. The few rituals are focused on barbecues, and perhaps attending a sporting event, the sending of a card, or the giving the cliché gift of a tie.

I suggest we need a serious examination of how we support fathers and how fathers can improve their fatherhood skills, topics that aren’t now on the national “to do” list. Do we really take fatherhood seriously? Are we even willing to talk about it? Or is it just a Sunday in June when the weather is conducive for a family barbeque?

There are many challenges to be a father these days, and the perils and rewards of good parenting and also being the good son or daughter are often treated with silence and indifference. Instead, the day is marked with a great silence, as if we don’t know what we really want to say, that we really haven’t given much thought to the importance of fatherhood in our lives. Yet, the issues and challenges are formidable, and the effects of poor fatherhood ripple through our society with often deadly consequence.

Some observers of American society have taken the time to look, and to gather some alarming statistics on the state of fatherhood in 2025.

“Men are much more likely to die of COVID…. But the increase among American men in deaths from accidental overdoses since the beginning of the century has been absolutely huge. Since 2001 it has amounted to the loss of an additional 400,000 men. That’s about the number of men we lost in World War II.

“Men are more likely to die from cancer, from cardiovascular disease—from all kinds of things. We need an office of men’s health. The Affordable Care Act should have covered something similar to the Well Woman visit for men. There’s a lot that could be done. But we have to start by acknowledging that there’s a sort of fatalism about the life-expectancy gap.

“I’ve heard people say, “Well, men are bound to die younger,” but that hasn’t always been true. Also the gap can be two years, it can be six years, it can be eleven years, depending on where and when you ask the question. There’s nothing automatic about the fact that men are dying so much younger than women.”

—Richard Reeves, author of Of Boys and Men: Whythe Modern Man is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It (2024).

In the 2020s, fewer men than women attend college, and women are more likely to enter professions. Boys are more likely to drop out of school.

Reeves also writes: “There needs to be more investment in male-friendly forms of education and learning. That could include apprenticeship, career and technical education, and also extracurriculars; these show better outcomes for boys and men. I’m very worried about the decline in participation in sports among boys, so maybe supporting some coaching initiatives. Also fatherhood programs, ways to keep fathers in their kids’ lives, especially if they’re not living with the children. And supporting men’s mental health generally. There is a suicide crisis among young men, who too often suffer from loneliness and disconnection.”

How can we support men and encourage them to be healthy and progressive fathers? How can we provide our youth with the tools to be the kind, thoughtful, and inquisitive kids that we want to see grow into healthy adults and become good citizens and parents?

Yes, we live in challenging times. And, yes, we are busy with our lives and often have difficulty in being good parents and family members. Yet, Fathers’ Day offers us a space to reflect, to ponder, and to have conversations on what good parenting is, what needs to happen in our work as parents and family members. Maybe there are some skills and some conversation topics that need to go on a list on the refrigerator. Maybe we take the time at the family barbeque to share our hopes and dreams, and to express some heartfelt gratitude about parenting and love and family.

Let’s make this Fathers’ Day a day of celebrating family love and the potential in each one of us to be a loving, kind, and thoughtful person.

6/13/2025